Sexual Purity in a Christian Dating Relationship | Girl Defined

god wants our relationships to have so much honor for the other person where we’re not viewing them as an object to satisfy our lust we’re not just giving in to our passions like he’s saying the gentile’s right like he’s saying flee that honor me hold the marriage bed and honor in your dating relationships what’s up guys we’re so excited to be here today and just hanging out with you another another fun conversation i’m not going to be humming any tunes today because apparently when i hum people don’t understand what i’m humming except a few of you over on instagram at girl to find thank you for understanding what i was humming in a previous video i really appreciate that you don’t know what she’s talking about watch last week okay y’all our christmas merch is only available for a limited time and this is one of our new releases our new part of our new apparel line and this is our incredible new girl sweatshirt it’s the coziest softest sweatshirt that you will ever wear we have this a cute headband a new like violet purple long sleeve tee and a lavender girldefine.com shop but the thing that i am most excited about is something incredible and that’s that our mentorship course officially opened up for registration for the very last potentially the very last time ever our eight week online mentorship course if you’re interested in getting mentored in a personal way join us for this eight-week course we’re gonna do it live you’ll have weekly videos you’re gonna watch an online portal you can log in track your progress weekly live zoom calls with us and the entire class it is going to start week one it’s january 11th 2021 so get all the information girlfriend.com mentorship and you can also request this as a gift on your christmas list if you know somebody who wants to get you a more meaningful spiritual gift there is a place on registration since it’s december for someone to purchase this as a gift for someone else so yeah what better gift the gift that plays on giving what better gift okay so last week we we’re talking about singleness were we talking about almost last week i’m not really sure but recently we were talking about singleness and we got some dms and messages from you many of you saying please talk about dating like okay what if you’re actually in a relationship like i know contaminant singleness is important and marriage stuff is important but what about those of us who are actually dating and we want to know how to honor god like in this area and there’s a lot of romance and there can be a lot of like you know joy temptation and struggle and so we decided we need to do that we need to talk about this for all of our dating gals or even engaged girls this is for you or the future invaders yeah and there’s so much that we could talk about on this topic of christian dating i mean our whole book love to find yeah that we wrote is all about love and relationships and dating a lot of great stuff if you haven’t read it check it out but we want to specifically talk about sexual purity in christian dating um because that’s something that every single dating couple yeah including us including everyone we know anyone who’s married that has gone through a dating relationship it’s a challenge because you’re like okay i’m a christian i see in god’s word he’s calling me to honor him to honor this person to pursue purity flee sexual immorality but i am really liking this person that i’m dating and there’s emotions and there’s desire to chemistries near you know longings for intimacy but you know okay god says save that for marriage like so how do i pursue sexual purity in this dating relationship and so we are just going to share real practically like some ideas and just even scripturally and i think okay you know where do we get this idea from we’re all pretty familiar with these passages but just to give us a bullseye of what god’s word is calling us to shooting for in our dating relationships first thessalonians 4 3 through 5 says for this is the will of god i think anytime a passage starts with that we need to listen up this is the will of god better listen your sanctification that you abstain from sexual immorality that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor not in the passion of lust like the gentiles who do not know god so basically saying like hey you god’s people yeah those who are gods like seeking to honor god christians um you need to know how to control your own body not in the passion like those who don’t know the lord who aren’t seeking to honor him but you this is your calling like honor god uh flee sexual immorality and that i think is never more i mean it’s it’s a it’s a lifelong pursuit right but in dating relationships i think there are some unique temptations because you could be on that path toward marriage you’re drawing closer to one another but you know that sex in that dating relationship is not god’s that’s not what god has for us and so i think of hebrews 13 4 which gives us this high view of marriage of sexual intimacy within the beautiful context of marriage it says let marriage be held in honor among all and let the marriage bed be undefiled for god will judge the sexually immoral and the adulteress and so we see this picture of a very high like a beautiful standard a high standard a high place that god holds sexual intimacy he says wow this is made this beautiful act of sexual intimacy is wonderful i created it god says but it’s made for the marriage yet it’s made for the covenant of marriage between a man and a wife that’s where it is honorable that’s where it’s holy yeah it’s not and then it’s immoral outside of that so i think these two verses first corinthians hebrews we see this high calling flee sexual immorality and then wow this high calling for marriage for sure and i do want to say something because um i don’t know i think it was dr dooley slattery over at um authentic intimacy she talked about this awesome yeah she’s awesome but she was talking about how like our sexual drive is actually a really good thing because it’s what drives us towards relationships that’s why people you know end up getting most of the time getting married because they’re like hey i like you i want you you know um and so not viewing that is like a bad thing it’s like wow this is actually a good thing and that’s probably why you’re with your boyfriend or why you know you’re in a relationship there’s some sexual attraction yeah like with dave it’s like i got to know him as a friend and the more i got to know him i was like ooh you’re cute i like you i want to marry you and there was something like driving us towards each other so in its proper place it is a good thing and it’s not like a curse it really is a good thing um something really interesting that we came across and we put it in our book sex purity and the longings of a girl’s heart another great book to read if you’re dating or engaged or even married this book is a must um but we came across a quote by pastor john piper in a sermon titled battling the unbelief of lust and he really helps us to understand this whole idea of what like honoring the other person looks like and what it looks like when you’re like lusting in your relationship and not honoring and this was super helpful for me just understanding this whole idea of sexual purity or lust in a more like down-to-earth way he says sexual desire in itself is good god made it in the beginning i like that positive aspect god made it in the beginning it has its proper place it was created for a purpose it has its proper place but it was made to be governed or regulated or guided by two concerns honor toward the other person and holiness toward god now catch this lust is what that sexual desire becomes when that honor and that holiness are missing from it so let me just reread that one part really quick because this is the part that helped me um so it was made to be guided by two concerns honor toward the other person so honoring your boyfriend and him honoring you and holiness toward god so it’s honor toward one another and then holiness toward god lust is what that sexual desire becomes when that honor toward the other and that holiness toward god is missing so it’s when you’re saying like okay god i know what scripture says but i am choosing not to honor i’m not i’m choosing not to obey you not to respect that not to walk in that not to live set apart in that and i’m choosing not to honor the other person and instead i’m going to lust in this relationship and disobey you really so hopefully that’s kind of helpful to to break it down and if you’re like i still need more then read it because we totally unpack it yeah and it’s i think that’s so important i love the positive twist of that of like god wants our relationships to be for one for christ to be at the center of our christian dating relationships and for us to have so much honor for the other person where we’re not viewing on them as an object to satisfy our lust we’re not just giving in to our passions like he’s saying the gentiles right like he’s saying flee that honor me hold the marriage bed and honor and you’re dating a relationship say wow we’re really attracted to each other we really want to engage in these sexual acts but we know god has such a beautiful plan for this and the timing right now isn’t right so god help us to honor you in this so it’s really approaching one another and saying yeah like together let’s honor each other let’s live holy before god he sees all things in this dating relationship but we know it’s hard yeah and i know there’s so many temptations i mean zach and i in our relationship you and dave like there’s temptations right you are so interested in this other person that it can be so hard to resist but we know god gives us the strength but we just want to share a few practical things because i i know that it’s like okay we know everyone’s standards and boundaries are going to be a little bit different the bible doesn’t give us like total black and whites um on every single thing but i think there are some healthy god-honoring boundaries we have in place to help us pursue what god is calling us to i think the most important thing like the first thing that comes to my mind is that both people for themselves have to want to honor god they want to walk in that holiness they have to want that for themselves if you or the other person is not wanting that i guarantee that it’s just going to be like a battle and it’s going to be so hard so if you’re in a dating relationship where the guy is constantly pressuring you constantly saying like it’s not that big of a deal or you know you find yourself constantly failing it’s like get some outside help go seek a godly woman because it may maybe it’s not that healthy of a relationship maybe you need to break away saying like if you loved me you would do this yeah but that’s not a biblical view of love a biblical view of love isn’t lust yeah right so i think that really evaluating your own heart and saying okay do i want to honor god in this area and taking some time to go before him and really making sure that that’s the foundation that you both individually before god want to honor him i think that’s that’s the most important thing the first thing so starting there and if you’re not there taking some time to say god help me to get there like what is what is your word saying realign my heart and my actions your truth and help me to walk this out so having that heart huge foundational i would say the next thing is don’t do your relationship alone yes like don’t you know the i would say the relationships that i’ve observed that have struggled the most and even times in my own relationship with zach when we were dating is when we weren’t involving other people so bringing godly wise people in and saying hey we want to honor god sexually in this dating relationship we want to uphold the marriage about an honor you know we want to flee sexual immorality but it’s really hard can you help us and inviting godly men and women in to become your accountability partners to share maybe some very practical boundaries you know zach and i love interacting with younger couples who are in that season and so we’ve done some pre-engagement counseling and it’s been really fun but that’s the thing that we tell them like hey we want to be involved because we love you we care about you and every single time they’re like actually yes that would be amazing and so there’s accountability they’ll even text us and say hey we’re going to be alone you just want to let you know and then we’ll follow up hey how’d it go how are you guys doing we’re praying for you um you know if there’s struggles like hey can we talk talk about it talk it through so i would say that’s huge having that heart and then involving people in the relationship i just think there’s um god has given us that like the body of believers to walk with one another very strands you know yeah and to bear one another’s burdens and in dating that can be so hard so you need to be the one to reach out though don’t expect someone to reach out and say hey we wanna offer you accountability and counsel you as a couple seek them out and you can even meet on a weekly basis have phone calls here and there um share your boundaries with them talk through that with them help them have them help you establish that i would say that is huge well and i think what you’re saying about the boundaries is really important having clear boundaries that you both agree on um and if there’s something that’s really important to him like hey i don’t want to be alone in the house or the apartment together and you’re like well i don’t think it’s that big of a deal like honor that conviction of theirs and if you have one that’s similar honor that conviction of yours and set really clear boundaries and then share it with those people who are keeping you accountable so you know it i think it’s so helpful when both of you are on the same team and on board with that and you’re not like oh we’re just gonna try really hard but you like if you don’t know what you’re shooting for you’re not gonna hit it you know so if you’re like okay here’s what we are okay with and here’s what we’re not okay with and then having regular conversations to follow up like don’t just say that in the beginning and then never talk about it again you know have whether it’s every two weeks or whatever you know have your accountability people ask you about it but get very specific and clear so that you know what you’re okay with and what you’re not yeah yeah and then i think also having a couple um going through a book or a resource together right where you’re growing and you’re learning like as we’re dating like what is a godly vision of marriage like what is a godly vision of a relationship and i know having that bigger vision because sometimes we can get so stuck in the here an hour it’s like okay don’t do all these things and pursue purity and it can feel just so rigid and like almost list-based and god’s saying i have such a bigger vision of marriage like it’s a beautiful vision where you’re entering this covenant relationship that’s reflecting the gospel and it’s showing the lost world a picture of my relationship with the church and it’s like mind-blowing but if you don’t have that as your bull’s-eye it’s like you can get so near-sighted that you forget what is the what’s the point of this so yeah were you gonna recommend a book no you go for it i was like i didn’t know if you were gonna say it or not okay so the sacred search is a wonderful book especially if you’re dating um it’s an amazing resource that asks questions i know our sister alyssa and her well you know their fiance but they went through it when they were um dating it’s i’ve read it multiple times like before um i got married and it’s just an amazing book so definitely that would be a great book to go together to go through together and then also the meaning of marriage by tim keller another great it’s a deep one but it’s a good one i would say like if you were you wanted to do two do the sacred search first or if you’re like okay i’m not sure like we’re moving towards marriage like we’re still kind of in the beginning do the sacred search and then i would say the meaning of marriage is a great one if you’re definitely a little bit more serious in your relationship and you’re really considering marriage and you’re like okay is this what we think we should do definitely read the meaning of marriage before you get engaged and if you’re already engaged or married read it as well those are two super great books i’ve read both of them they’re amazing i think they will drastically change your perspective about just god’s design for sex for intimacy for marriage in a wonderful way yeah we hope for all of you that are in a dating relationship we hope this was encouraging helpful come hang out with us over on instagram i just realized we have questions the questions for the dating relationship oh that is such a great idea so it’s 130 questions 136 questions for a dating relationship yeah so yeah click the link below we’ll have that download it that will help you build your relationship just to talk through it’s like building it more emotionally right so if you’re like we’re always struggling physically like maybe just build a friendship like start with questions to get to know the heart of the other person so yeah click the link below to a copy of downl purity and the longings of a heart of longings of a girl’s heart this will help you personally not in your relationship but just on your own understand a biblical view of sexuality how to battle us fight temptation find victory all that good stuff and come hang out with us over on instagram girl to find we’re going to continue that conversation over there so come on we’ll see you there