Jimmy Evans: 5 Keys to Better Communication In Your Marriage

so let me talk about five standards for successful communication number one is caring it the most powerful aspect of communication is the issue of caring if you don’t care it shows in everything that you do that if I’m going to successfully communicate with my spouse it means in my body language in my countenance in eye contact and in my response and in the tone of my voice everything that I do communicates caring to you when Karen and I got when we started dating I carry and we would sit and talk and I remember we would sit and talk at restaurants or we would talk on the phone remember when you first start dating you know you talk on the phone and like you talk on the phone for hours at a time you hear each other breathe you know and you’re just sitting there not saying a lot you can hear each other beat like that is so romantic because you know you just really care you’re working hard at it well and when you first started communicating you know Karen would say can I say something to you and I would say yeah yeah and then flash forward five or six years into marriage and they say can I say something in say excuse me excuse me just a minute and I’m doing something else I’m watching TV or something and they’re trying to communicate and I’m not looking at them and in my responses there’s a tone of my voice that communicates and says I don’t care if it’s impossible to communicate with a person who doesn’t care have you ever been in a restaurant and the waiter or waitress that was assigned to you really did not want to take care of you it that a frustrating experience and and you spend you know the evening or the meal going excuse me excuse me and they’re walking by the table and you’re stewing I know they heard me you know and they just don’t that’s what it’s like to be married to a person who doesn’t care I’m trying to say something but it’s impossible because you really don’t care you don’t care how I feel you don’t care what I’m talking about and here’s what it means to care it means someone’s talking and looking at them you have to make eye contact and that’s why there are times that’s so important turn the TV off number two standard for successful communication is praise negativity is the devil’s language and it will destroy your marriage it lets try your life negativity God is a God of praise Psalm 100 says we enter God’s gates with Thanksgiving and we enter into his courts with praise God never lets a negative person into his intimate presence when it says we enter into God’s gates with Thanksgiving into his courts with praise courts means intimate presence we are created in the image of God I will never ever let anybody into my heart unless they’re positive about me never when a marriage becomes negative we close our hearts to each other it’s the most intuitive thing that we do in a self preservation mode and that’s why the devil loves to come and accuse us to each other and make our language negative by the way when they measure the predictors of divorce and they can measure this with accuracy of who will divorce the number one predictor of divorce is criticism is a negative attitude and it’s not just complaining and saying well honey that hurt my feelings and I don’t like that because complaining is important criticism is a negative tone that sets up in the relationship as a filter that everything is seen through I just I don’t I don’t trust you I don’t like you nothing’s good everything is bad and we stop praising each other we enter into God’s gates with Thanksgiving and enter into his courts with praise we’re exactly the same the same way and we have to set a discipline in our lives of praising each other now every good marriage has a positive tone praise is a discipline now I want you what you listen to me so you say well our marriage is terrible and you know we just I things are bad and you know things have gotten really negative whatever you can change that through praise you know the reason that you fell in love is because you complemented each other you never fall in love with someone saying I just hate your hair you need to lose some weight you really do you know you’re looking little pudgy you never I mean oh could we go out again because I’ve got some other things I’d like you to critique about my life you know is that but that’s how you fall out of love praise is a discipline in our lives that keeps the the measure of our marriage very high as high as you want your marriage to go your mouth has to go there first and if you want to have a passionate marriage it doesn’t mean that you trade your spouse in and go out and find your soul mate so that you have this perfect person that you always praise because I’m just telling you right now your perfect soul mate is severely messed up they have problems there’s no fairytale person out there that doesn’t have problems any person that you would ever marry as soon as you’re married to them you begin to see things about them that you don’t like in the issue the real challenge is this to keep focusing on the things that you like deal with the things that you don’t like in a positive way but keep focusing on the things that you like and let your mouth be a mouth of praise number 3 standard for successful communication is truth you have to tell the truth you have to have a truth amount and I’m not talking about a brutal amount I’m talking about a truthful mouth proverbs 3 3 says bind mercy and truth around your neck and write them on the tablet of your heart every word that comes out of my mouth is going to be truthful the Ephesians 4:15 says speaking the truth in love we grow up into all aspects into him is everything that I say is going to have truth in it I’m not going to lie about it let me let me say this if you don’t tell the truth it’s going to come out in other behavior if something’s really bothering you and if something’s going on in your life you need to be truthful about it because if you’re not it goes into passive-aggressive behavior you know when you put that skunk in the basement it’s going to stink up the whole and so don’t trap things down inside of you and someone says is something wrong and you say no nothing’s wrong you need to get it out and you need to be honest if there’s something going on in your life that that’s significant you need to talk it out and be honest about it number four standard for successful communication is faith and I said this to the to the ladies in the other session that we did relate to them and that is you say anything you need to say to your husband because you’re his equal but once you’ve said it then you have to let God be the enforcer you have to have faith that God is a God of truth and if you’ve spoken the truth that he is your partner to enforce it in your husband’s heart without faith you’re going to nag him you’re going to browbeat him until you get your way because you’re the enforcer you don’t have faith in God first Peter 3 says that a gentle and quiet spirit is precious in the sight of God a gentle and quiet spirit is not the mark of a mousy beaten down woman a gentle and quiet spirit is the mark of a woman of faith who believes that she can speak what she needs to speak and God will enforce it in her husband’s heart it’s so hard to live your life trying to fix people with your mouth all the time you have to speak the truth and leave it with God and say God you’re the god of truth and I have faith that you can take what I just said if it’s true and you can change my spouse from the inside it changed our marriage when I stopped trying to fix Karen all the time with my words but I left it with God number-5 standard is surrender this mouth belongs to God I surrender my mouth to God and I want God to use my mouth to build my marriage to build my children and to live a life that will glorify Him this is not my mouth this is God’s mouth and I’m going to give an account for this mouth one day to God and I’m not going to in any way justify meanness or evil or anything else with this mouth though everybody else may do it this mouth belongs to God thank you for joining us partner with marriage today and receive the marriage on the rock series on CD or dvd follow your interest and get social by connecting with Jimmy and Karen and the ministry of marriage today on Twitter marriage today’s latest book happy happy love will supercharge your marriage with practical tips wisdom and inspiration for every stage of marriage visit happy loves book.com become a rock solid partner today and equip yourself with the tools you need for a successful marriage $14 twenty eight dollars or fifty six dollars per month choose the partnership level that’s right for you become a rock solid partner today you