HONEST CHRISTIAN DATING ADVICE | physical boundaries and finding the one!

I just think that people talk so much about sex when it’s not the main focus and life and so like the classic when the guy comes to the girlfriend’s house and the dad says like what are your intentions for my daughter you should be that person to yourself you should let yourself know what their intentions are [Music] welcome back to my channel if you guys are new here my name is Michelle Reid I post vlogs lifestyle videos but today’s video is really exciting because it’s a video that I just feel like I haven’t done in a very long time felt very convicted that I hadn’t talked about you know like my face in a while things that are really you know near and dear to my heart and so this is something that I’m so excited to do I just felt really inspired to kind of speak more about today’s video topic which is dating advice from a Christian / faith-based perspective I always get questions about dating and relationships and it is nearly impossible for me to answer any of these questions apart from my faith and so that is why this is the perspective but I wanted to preface with that because obviously not everyone who watches this video is a Christian I’m also gonna have timestamps down below because that’s something that I’m trying to do in longer videos in case you’re only interested in one question maybe there’s a topic that you want to hear that you don’t want to hear the rest of them I’ll have them down below so you can just click answer questions on my Instagram if you guys want to follow me is I have a she’ll read and I got a lot of good ones I also said if you guys had a longer one you could actually email me and so I have a few that are more like personal questions and everything’s anonymous and if you guys don’t know me personally I have been dating my boyfriend if you don’t say for like three and a half years and we’re getting married in 2020 even if it’s just us two with coronavirus we are still getting married yeah I feel like I have a decent amount of advice from a Christian perspective so I’m gonna go ahead and jump it I also want to say that I don’t know everything this is just my advice you could take it or leave it the first one that I get is one that I get a lot and it says advice for waiting for the one when you’ve been single for a while and I think that my mindset has really changed on this I used to kind of be a believer of the thing that there’s one person out there who’s meant for you who you’re meant to me you’re meant to be with who’s kind of like your soulmate you know maybe there are soulmates out there but for me personally I just think that there isn’t one person out there and it kind of relieves the burden of feeling like you know maybe you’re dating someone but oh is this the one and you’re questioning and while you should have seen dirts and things that’ll go into I don’t think there’s one person out there here just like men to marry predatory but they did a video recently talking about how because there is just one person out there the beauty of it is you get to choose and when you choose you’re really committing to someone and I talked a lot about how kind of our society kind of prioritizes chemistry and like emotions and feeling and you watch these movies when that’s just not the reality that a lot of being in a committed relationship is the commitment and it’s not the feelings because you know beauty comes and goes the honeymoon phase kind of dies off but the end of the day the thing that honestly makes you the most romantically attracted to someone is that sense of commitment if you’re single right now just know that it’s okay and I think that’s the perfect time to kind of think about the qualities that you would want in someone down the road and kind of work on those qualities in yourself so for me like whenever I was thinking of the guy that I wanted to you know date you know the guy that I wanted to be you know my husband one day I wanted it to be someone who really loved God who prioritized his relationship with God someone who was kind to other people who was hardworking who valued commitment and I think those are things that you can work on if you have personal things that you want to see in someone else how can people prevent idolizing their significant other this is such a good one because it’s something that I struggled with so much and I think especially in the Christian community there’s this emphasis on marriage and like finding the one like I just talked about that is just not healthy it’s not healthy like marriage is good marriage is a gift from God but it is not the end-all be-all and the person that you’re gonna be with whether that be in a relationship or you’re married they’re not your God and I think that sometimes is a hard reality to accept I read this book and it’s called you and me forever by Francis and Lisa Chan it did such a good job of like breaking down that framework that you know ultimately in a marriage yes like you love the other person yes they are a gift from God but at the end of the day like you’re kink for the mission of the gospel which is so much greater than that person there’s a part for the book that says they spend a lot of time looking at themselves in each other but very little time staring at God when this is the focus they naturally begin to structure every aspect of their lives around the few years they have with each other on earth rather than the millions they will spend in his presence or away from his presence these people live is so they are not dying they live as though the king is not returning and I think that relieves a lot of the burden of you know idolizing that person because they’re human when they’re not your idol in your life that’s okay and you can love them for those flaws because of that Christian or not people fail like people make mistakes and a lot of times you do have kind of things that you see in the other person that you’re like oh my gosh this person it’s not all I hype them up to be is it okay to date someone who isn’t a Christian if they support your beliefs I get this one a lot and I also got a more personal question that said I’m talking to this guy and could definitely see myself pursuing a dating relationship with him the issue is I don’t exactly know where we stand in his faith from what we’ve talked about I know that he at least has some sort of faith but since we’re just talking I don’t know how to bring it up deeper conversations about a relationship with God I normally wouldn’t think I would need to bring it up until we are actually dating but we’ve been talking for two months now and I don’t want either of us to get too deep without talking about the most important stuff and I think that she answered her questions right there I think that a lot of times when you’re seeking advice you kind of know the answer and I would just like to say there’s a principle in the Bible and it talks about being equally yoked and so the image is two different oxen that are attached by this one and bar and so they’re equally carrying the weight but it’s this principle of sharing the same faith and beliefs if you can disagree on like small parts of those things but a main principle of where you stand in your faith like I believe you know Christ as my Lord and Savior I believe he died on the cross for my sins and I am forgiven by accepting him as my Lord and Savior like that is my faith and I live as though that is true and I think that you should be pursuing someone who also thinks that equally the same amount now this is obviously different if you aren’t dating to potentially marry someone down the road you might not have the same beliefs and if you’re not you know Christian you’re not gonna have that same belief but as someone who is seeking you know a deeper relationship to ultimately more someone your faith and your beliefs really shaped the way that you view children’s like how you’re gonna raise your kids save you how involved you are in ministry well you go to church will you be in a community group will you your money you know are you gonna tithe 10% does that person think it’s silly you know how are you gonna raise your kids how are you going to discipline that they’re big factors that affect people’s marriages too so I think there are very rare times when someone you know date someone and they slowly come into their faith from the other person but that is such a dangerous mindset when do you think you can change another person and that is not your obligation that’s not fair to the other person and it’s just not good for you I don’t think it’s from God and I think in a relationship if you want to be strengthened in your relationship with Christ if you want to feel encouraged inspired and you know ultimately on mission for the gospel and you can save yourself a lot of heartbreak if you don’t pursue someone who maybe doesn’t share your same beliefs I get a lot of questions about setting up physical boundaries and keeping them and I’m assuming this person means in terms of sex and I’m not gonna talk about waiting until marriage because I honestly think I’ve exhausted this topic and I think it’s just so emphasized on my channel already and it’s something that people like to ask over and over again even though they already know that I am waiting until marriage and if you are too if you’re not I am not judging I just think that people talk so much about sex when it’s not the main focus in life and so I think whenever you’re viewing boundaries I think that they should be both physical and other things I think you should have boundaries spiritually in your personal life just in terms of dating I was listening to Kenzie Elizabeth’s video and she was talking about her kind of mind set on boundaries and how a lot of times we view you know faith as like do’s and don’ts and we see these things as oh you can’t do this but I see it more as you know any of a kid and you’re trying to teach him that they shouldn’t touch something that’s hot you pull them away from it because you know it’s going to hurt them and I think that’s the same way that I view boundaries in my life that you know God knows that hey Michelle if you do this it’s gonna hurt you it’s gonna hurt your heart and so these are things to put up in place to prevent you from being hurt and that’s how I see them and Romans talks about it I ultimately think Scripture is the authority not me so romans 8 says and he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit because the spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose and I think that just ultimately shows that he knows better than us and we have to trust him whenever you’re setting up boundaries they need to be something that are agreed upon between both parties like if someone doesn’t understand why they’re being put up and they don’t agree with them how are you gonna be able to maintain them and so I think you have to be very much mutually agreed-upon with your significant other that like this is what it’s gonna be I think from a physical perspective I’m not gonna say like don’t do this don’t do this that’s just not who I am I do not know and I think everyone’s different just for personal boundaries that we set up we tried to spend as much time apart in terms of being together alone in our apartment so it was something we didn’t want to do but it got tricky because sometimes I want to make him dinner cuz we didn’t want to eat out cuz it’s expensive maybe my roommates not home and sometimes like we would do that we never traveled alone together and this was a really hard one because at the time I was getting these opportunities to do brand deals that were going to Miami or going to just really cool places and I would have loved to take in Adan with me but I chose not to because I do that that would be tempting for our relationship we only ever travel with family if you’re going places our families are there but I never viewed those as restrictions I was never resentful of them because now that I’m getting married this year I’m so excited for those things and I am so thankful that we saved those things for being married like I can’t explain how excited I am and there’s just like this giddiness and this joy of doing those things so yeah and I think spiritually I always get questions from people like hey how do I pray with my significant other how do I study the Bible with them and while I think that you should personally be growing in your faith separately I don’t know if it’s wise to be like getting cozy and praying together with someone on a weekly basis and you know sharing your heart on that sort of intimate level I think that you should guard your heart so we pray like before meals we pray for each other separately sometimes we do pray together but it’s not like a weekly we’re doing this Bible study he’s my accountability partner just to prevent getting too close before actually being entirely committed to one another how do not compare your relationship to other Christian couples this is such a good question because I don’t think anyone talks about this but it is so easy especially right now with all of these like public figures who are Christians to look at their relationship and really be envious of them and I just would like to caution that online you only see the best part of people’s relationships you do not see the arguing I have to eliminate myself from the thing that’s causing me to sin so for me like say I am eating super unhealthily and I really want to get really healthy I will go my cabinet and I’ll throw away all the junk that is tempting me and I think that’s the same for this like you just need to mute people on Instagram you need to not watch people on YouTube pray and read your Bible and figure out you know why you’re having these thoughts I also want to say that I listen to my friend Katie Brody’s recent podcast episode and she talks a lot about how a lot of times when were jealous of people there’s some aspect that can actually be used for good so say you are jealous of someone’s relationship because they seem like they’re having really deep conversations with each other that you don’t have with your significant other maybe see if that’s something you can incorporate into your relationship and I’m not saying that you should compare in every aspect like for me I don’t share my relationship publicly online I’m just more of a private person we’re also more introverted we’re not super extroverted bubbly people and I think that that’s okay and that’s just not how I’m gonna be compared to other relationships and it’s okay that you’re not like other people I get a lot of questions about premarital counseling because I mentioned this here and there in different videos and a lot of people actually think it’s super weird they think it’s like a red flag that a lot of people do premarital counseling and I just want to say it is super healthy and very normal to sit down with someone maybe a couple that you admire someone who you think has a really healthy marriage and just talk about things that maybe you haven’t talked about in your relationship so things like you know money are we gonna have separate or joint accounts the pros and cons of those you know my relationship with my dad and my mom and how that kind of shapes my viewpoint of marriage and expectations for each other so maybe I am my heart have this idea of what I want my husband to be that he doesn’t even know isn’t aware of and I think it’s good to talk about those things so you can be like oh wait this is a super unhealthy expectation that you may have of me down the road that we aren’t aware of yet so that’s why people do it this one’s kind of long but it says as a fellow Christian I noticed that a lot of teachings about relationships in the church focus on the women being supportive of their husbands which is really important but also kind of stressing that and that only I really value being my own person and having my own identity especially in a relationship but a lot of Christian men that I’ve encountered one a woman who is only going to put him and a family first I know a lot of this can be avoided by waiting for someone who has the same values as I do but how can I communicate this without sounding selfish to someone who wants that they’ll have to say that I don’t want to be there for my boyfriend such husband I don’t want to have a family someday and that I don’t value and respect being a relationship how can I make sure that myself and women in general are represented more when it comes to relationships and I got this email and I was just like that is not how people should be viewing relationships if you think the point of a relationship is just for one party to be supportive of the other and that not to be reciprocated that is so bad and not from God at all Ephesians talks about husbands you know loving their wives as Christ loves the church and I can’t think of a greater commandment of you know what a burden that would be to love someone as Christ it and to reflect that love and to show that love to someone like that is so deep and that comes with being extremely supportive and I think that goes into your career and your personal life things you’re struggling in you should mutually be supporting and encouraging each other and that shouldn’t just be one party doing that I would never ever be in a relationship where that wasn’t reciprocated I think that’s a huge red flag you think you can spend too much time with your boyfriend slash girlfriend and I do think this I’ve never been the kind of person who’s spent all day with my boyfriend like all the time I’ve just never been that kind of person I’ve never even been that with friends I’ve always been someone who likes my alone time and so yes I think that that can lead to a lot of codependency if you’re only spending your time with them and not hanging out with friends your family even spending time I think I figured out so much about myself whenever I do kind of spend time on my alone time don’t you discern uncertainty / confusion and dating guy pursuing not being clear this one I feel very passionate about and so I’m sorry if some passions about to come out but I was listening to this sermon one time and the pastor said that leaders clarify confusion and if you’re dating someone who is confusing you and is not making his intentions clear when you’re looking for a committed relationship you need to make that note because ultimately if someone is dating you and they are not looking for a long-term relationship or a committed relationship and you are that’s not fair to both people this person wants something that’s light and fun and this person wants something that’s going to last for a really long time and you should both be getting what you want and I think that you should definitely make it known to this person is a verse in first Corinthians and it says for God it’s not the author of confusion and so that verse is always reminding me that when things are really confusing and someone is really making things hard to discern that is not from God and I think that whoever you’re dating should really make their intentions clear it’s like the classic when the guy comes to the girlfriend’s house and the dad says like what are your intentions for my daughter you should be that person to yourself you should let yourself know what their intentions are in what ways has your faith strengthened to your relationship I read this book this one time it’s called the meaning of marriage by Tim Keller it’s a really great book if you ever want to read it but there’s a section and I talked about this in a recent video I did about our wedding plans and he says when over the years someone has seen you at your worst and knows you with all your strengths and flaws yet commits him or herself to you wholly it is a great experience to be loved but not known is comforting but superficial to be known and not loved it’s our greatest fear but to be fully known and truly loved as well a lot like being left by God it is what we need more than anything it liberates us from pretense humbles us out of our self-righteousness and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us and I think that’s the beautiful part of you know having a relationship also having your faith is you have this person God to look up to about how He loves us and that’s how you’re meant to love the other person with both truth and grace you know sharpening the other person as iron sharpens iron but also having no grace for the other person when they do make mistakes as people do and it’s really beautiful and I think that that has really allowed our personal relationship to be a lot stronger loving each other in that way so this last one I’m going to answer is actually from an email and I uploaded a podcast with my sister Lindsay recently but we talked a lot about her early career and also dating I had terrible dating relationships before II had a lot of boyfriends oh my gosh guys say that this person said I loved hearing Lindsay talk about her dating history for even a brief amount of time on your podcast what is your advice for people having to date around you know some of my history of dating it’s difficult to find things on dating from a Christian perspective I think this question is interesting because I think a lot of time in the like Christian community there is it really talked about like dating other people and dating multiple people and how sometimes you know you go on a date with someone and it’s just not it and you have that experience a lot of times and I think that’s okay I think that sometimes it takes a while to figure out what you want and what you personally like and what you like to be around and I think it can also be discouraging when you have this idea of like the perfect person that you want to date but you can’t find that ask yourself why you were going on all these dates why you are eating this many people and kind of see what you’re seeking because if you’re not getting it from people that you’re dating you know maybe it’s something that you are missing in your own life that you could have apart from that if that makes sense spend time in prayer spend time reading and really kind of deciphering alone and kind of maybe embracing a season of just singleness to kind of figure that out before jumping into these dates because going on dates can be really fun and I think that’s totally fine if you want to like date around and like see what you want but at the same time it can oftentimes make you feel really discouraged I think that taking that time away can also be really helpful so those are all the questions that I’m going to answer I really hope you guys enjoyed this a lot of these things are just from my heart like I said I’m not a master of all dating questions these are some things that I think that I personally learned throughout the year so I hope you guys enjoyed this and I will see you guys in my next video which will be a week of my life vlog so make sure to check it out I love you guys my friends [Music] you [Music]