(PART 1) LIVING SINGLE: CHRISTIAN DATING AND SINGLENESS | CHRISTIAN DATING ADVICE

so listen me and her if you if god has placed on your heart that you are our men listen don’t jump in them dms we’re gonna give you the handles later [Applause] hey it’s your girl lyla jenkins back with another youtube video and so in this video actually if you can’t tell i have two of my sisters with me i have my girl whitney oh my god that was great i loved it so okay let me just give y’all the backstory i am a whitney houston fan all day and so i used to go by whitney that’s what they used to call me y’all and so when was your government so this is my friend kendra as she said it’s my friend whitney we are actually we actually met each other at chartres oakland bible fellowship we were in a small group together and we are actually also in a music ministry so my friends are actually single as well and we have been single for quite a while and so i do talk about singleness and how hard it’s been for me so i wanted to bring my girls on and get their perspective let’s start off with how has dating been for y’all first you want to know where i go first okay so i’ll just past experience me personally i cannot consider um anything that i’ve had as a real relationship or dating okay no type of dating no i mean i’ve had boyfriends in the past but i don’t i just think i was so young and i was so not self-aware that they don’t really not the person doesn’t matter but just the relationship it was yourself for me it was just about having the title and wanting i was so in love with the idea of relationships exactly and so back then i know myself so i can’t i can’t consider those for me personally now because i mean looking at me now versus 10 years ago totally different right of course my my wants and my desires are not the same but i would what i would accept now is definitely not what i accepted then i [Music] it never evolved into anything you know i did meet one guy who i i think i’ve told you about him you may remember him but i don’t know because i don’t know if i told you no you did i tell you okay so he was um he wasn’t a believer but we had amazing like we had an amazing connection um but it was like me personally not having a relationship with christ is non-negotiable there are other things like i think a lot of things you can um compromise but for me that is not compromisable um mine is kind of like a blank slate too like i feel like it goes nowhere it’s not consistent it’s like you meet meet this guy and then you know great conversation and then all of a sudden like it just comes outside and then i kind of feel like i’m like am i wanting the guy that doesn’t want me and the guy that wants me i don’t want him like i feel happy i really feel like i think it’s more so of a thing where we’re missing each other because i think like so like we just talked about what we wanted a man if i’d be honest i want to be saved but i want to have like a hint church always singing always working i can’t be on the plane you don’t want me like you know i’m not insane and even even with like i think that same thing with christian me and they want a little bit of you know a little slime you know [Music] yeah and i just think i just think we’re not seeing each other because what we want or some of the i’ll say maybe i shouldn’t say that but some of the things that we’re looking for are not necessarily needed they’re real trivial yeah so it’s like we passed up like this may be a good person sleeping because she doesn’t meet or he doesn’t meet one specific one which i think they are i think i’m sorry i’m not taking all of them i’m not saying don’t go for what you want or look for what you want but i think some of those things are not they’re not a like yeah yeah yeah and then there was like i was dating this guy it was was this like i think this was last year and i was like you know what i’m gonna put all these like oh you know this whole list that i have of like physical like needs like i wanted to be tall i wanna do this and i met this guy and he went to ocbf no but so listen so i was just like i’m just gonna like he wasn’t everything in my list but he was really respectful he was nice and even that turned out to be like blah because he had like this list of things that he wanted and i felt like i didn’t meet those needs and we just kind of like separated so i was just like man like is there really anybody out here for me i’m going to be like paul in the bible like i i really felt like and it was it wasn’t like it was just the fact that he didn’t want me and i really didn’t even want him that much but the fact that it was a rejection from him from somebody that i didn’t even really have like he didn’t even meet everything on my list i was like how is this happening yeah i mean i don’t think rejection is ever easy to like overcome yeah you know especially when you already have like those thoughts about yourself if you already don’t feel like you’re worth it and you already feel like nobody wants you when you do get rejected yeah it’s kind of it’s because you you yeah it confirms or it affirms it but it’s only affirming your thoughts it may not even be the reason why he does not want you it could literally be you’re a great person i’m just not attracted to you like that yeah and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that yeah okay so my next question actually i think we may have covered it but like what was what’s the most challenging i know for me it’s the um spiritual level mm-hmm yeah it’s a spiritual level meeting a man that’s really like ready to gun-hole for christ and sold out and you know we don’t live by the word of god 100 yeah that 100 percent is hard to find it is you know it’s almost like a young yeah exactly it’s a unicorn for me to find and so that for me that’s the most challenging but also if you if i do meet a man that that is here on spiritual level we’re not here on chemistry right yep and that’s why i’m getting everyone saying that for me is the hardest part is like finding somebody that’s like oh they’re going home for god like sold out yeah [Applause] like you’re not mentally stimulating me you’re just like blah blah it’s like what’s going on we talking about it what’s your name okay so say for instance like you’re saying because like that that has been a thing for me if if the relationship is not there and i’m not saying that your relationship has to be like mine but there needs to be evidence you know but um most of the time it’s just not there so for me it’s not really like i’m not even going to their point right yeah so but what if it was something as simple as like just having the conversation of being open and honest with the guy and saying hey like i mean i i love your relationship with the lord but you suck at conversation and honest because for me like i love to be like honest and don’t get me wrong like hard conversations are hard and they hurt yeah it’s like i can respect you and for me i feel like okay so you really care because you’re telling me i’m not meeting your need and you want me to or you’re looking for something specific and you’re saying if we can meet halfway there because i don’t think at the end of the day like you can’t make me happy like i got to make me happy first right right so my thing is if it’s just like okay well you do this one thing that it totally hurts me i absolutely hate it and it’s just like that conversation that i get that can get a guy or a girl to say oh like i didn’t know that like i never had anyone to check me yeah in my conversation like you trash but what about chemistry like can you like train somebody to have chemistry with you you know i feel like i i don’t know if you can’t i don’t know you can train chemistry i think that’s something yeah i mean but as far as something but does chemistry trump does chemistry just on like being able to connect let’s just say on a conversational level right does that does that trump everything else like i think there has to be like give and takes in different areas because you may not be a good communicator but you may provide well you may you know maybe dude seriously i don’t want you making me have really actually having to evaluate myself and i’m like okay [Music] when it comes to like the providing all that i can do that for myself and i need i need i need the mental stimulation i need the chemistry there i need like i need that because then when i think about it but what if we have all of the chemistry but the dude is trash though yeah i think sometimes communication can help with a lot because i guess for me it’s a pride thing when it comes to that because it’s like like communicating that i almost feel like well i’m having to tell you how to be i ain’t your mama right really yeah but i see what you’re saying yeah now that you’re saying it out loud that’s something that i can work on because we have so many unspoken expectations and i think that’s something that i’ve done so much in the past is that i’ve just wanted to got to know i wanted him to know that i wanted him to take me out or i want him to know that i want a good morning text or something stupid like you know what i’m saying but he’s just like girl you know and so how am i going to get mad at you for not telling you something i’m not expecting yeah you know that’s good that is good what about the easiest i think the easiest thing dating for me was isn’t meeting the guys i can meet the guys yeah the guy yeah that comes that for me like because i get on dating apps and stuff like that and so that’s it’s easy for me to swipe right and find a guy but it’s just the second part of getting to know him is kind of like yeah it’s some spot yeah the easiest thing is to leave by myself right like i mean because i listen i am terrible my friend at my best friend asked me she was like so you know you know are you thinking i was like nah man i just really got time she said what are you doing and i said absolutely nothing like i am not doing anything to like because i hate online dating i’ve done it and i’m just so like my thing like it’s just not my thing you know what i’m saying you just don’t want to force it i want to be like you because i want to just chill and just focus on you know other things and not really just be like day day [Music] it can be it can be overwhelming it was it was going to work it can but i have such a strong desire to be married then i’m right i’m gonna push through this thing yeah i don’t even care if i’m nervous i’m getting my nerves i’m gonna push through i’m gonna keep swiping somebody but i think with that like cause i i think with me because i was so and i think this is you but in my twenties i idolized being married like i don’t know like yeah like that’s what i’m saying like i can’t contribute i can’t say that my relationships are ever anything because i just wanted that because i was trying to get to this goal yeah of being married having kids i wanted the american dream now granted is there still a desire for me yes definitely i still want to be married i still want my kids and all of that but i think for me after i had to go through my whole emotional my whole emotional breakdown like it shifted my perspective to know that even single or married i’m still worth it i’m still okay right still necessary and at the end of the day it may hurt if i don’t ever get married but i’m still gonna be okay okay yeah i’m saying so for me it was hard because at one point i was like if you don’t let me get married jesus we gonna have problems like i was gonna be upset yeah but now it’s just like don’t get me wrong i do want it but i ain’t the end of the world like you know what i’m saying like and i’m in that same head space and for me i like y’all it’s like a new found piece that i didn’t even know exactly and like after like moving by myself like being by myself like i thought that i was gonna be like oh my god like the the heightened to like you know hurry up and get in the relationship was gonna be like on high and it went like from this to this and like i’m like i just started getting super super busy and there have been people that like reaching out like hey you know i want to like take you outdoors i’m just like it’s a piece over myself i’m just like i’m good i hope i’m not creating a monster well i think i think you’ll be pointing because for me like before i moved here because i’m originally from tennessee so before i moved here i was always around people when i got here it was hard for me because i knew nobody right so i didn’t have no friends i was just like losing it just like oh my god like this is horrible on top of i ain’t found nobody you know i’m just like this is crazy like this is too much for me or whatever but then it’s just like somehow i got to the point of where it’s just like this came back like don’t don’t come over here now yeah like i tell people i’m like y’all like this is like when i’m walking to my apartment i’m just like this is it’s nice this is like nice and then like the whole thing the whole thing about you know turning 30 and not being there yet yeah that was another thing that was in my mind like probably like six months ago and now it’s just like who made up that rule i mean we don’t have to have it it doesn’t have how are y’all staying motivated while you’re waiting on god i’m gonna tell you huh i’m not okay are you oh god no i mean i have my moments i have my moments where i um feel good you know about god and me and him or whatever you know how my mom is where i’m like god i’m 33 yeah and i don’t want to be 35 36 37 with some kid you know what i mean or you know i just i’m older i think the age thing is getting to me and it will it definitely will but i’ll say for me um one thing for me is like i had to get to a place of like feel like doing stuff like fine actually praying to god and saying why am i here because once you get for me once i got past that thing of okay i’m gonna be okay from that mirror but it’s like i feel like i’m not doing nothing like what is my purpose you know what i’m saying so when god started speaking to me and started telling me things to do socialized podcast is out there guys some other things that are coming and it’s just like okay so now i’m i’m getting fulfillment in doing my purpose of what god has called me to do so my motivation is at the end of the day i feel like when he comes he is like our destinies will collide like he is going to be someone who’s out there doing his thing yeah and then when we get together it’s just going to flourish so there’s a beautiful but oh [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] though okay what did you talk about the video i guess we could i don’t know y’all the other day but this was before i moved this is before i went into my different way i was just like laura i don’t want to wait no more oh girl oh it was somebody i said okay my best friend i said all right so let’s just say that the will of god has died for you to get married would you live like a celibacy i’m gonna say no cause i can’t i don’t think that’s it right and i haven’t got it i don’t wanna i don’t know can y’all imagine we made what you’re doing [Applause] totally holier than that like i was i was going back into the motivation thing yeah it’s like i think that’s one of the hardest things for me right now because it’s just like i mean hello hello and i told him i said 30. that didn’t happen i understand 35 so technically my timeline is 35 but i don’t feel like i got it in me hopefully hopefully he’s going to send my man so listen me and her if god has placed on your heart that you are our men listen don’t jump in them dms we’re gonna give you the handles later wait wait this is if you want any one of us i feel like i’m in that process of like accepting like you know if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t happen it’s kind of like how you were now i’m walking into my purpose where i’m like meeting people um through my book club through the arbonne stuff and i’m like but just like meeting people and like okay what can i do to be a light in this area yes to someone else and so i’m just like oh you know all of a sudden and it was like right when i moved all this stuff just started happening she started getting like super busy and i’m like okay i feel like i’m starting to get in my purpose right and now it’s like that alone has taken the rest of that off of my mind i know for sure it has to be a talking about religion i don’t care about you going to church i’m saying your relationship can you pray do you know what fasting is do you know what it means what is your experience how have you experienced are you walking with me