Honest + Raw Christian Dating Q & A

Christian what were my convictions about sex before marriage do you have any at what point in your walk with God through that change any tips how to reduce lusting after god of getting out sucess I’m gonna ask have I ever struggled with porn or masturbation don’t need to answer this result girl now that’s your personal over here what are some things that you personally do to change your heart posture to seek God rather than attention what’s up everybody welcome back to my channel if you haven’t been here before my name is cayenne and I’m so excited to be making this video today it is going to be the part two to my Christian dating Q&A and we’re going to just talk about dating being single and everything in between mostly related to Christian dating so I’m gonna go through your questions these ones were left on my community page if you didn’t know I try to post on there pretty frequently so make sure you are subscribed and you have on post notifications first question is from Katherine and she asks how do you combat those days where you just really crave a boyfriend that’s a good question and I definitely had those days in the past and I probably will have them in the future it can be tough I think the first thing to ask yourself is what exactly is triggering this am i watching a bunch of YouTube couples am i talking to my friends about their boyfriends am i constantly talking about being married where is my focus right now I find that I’m when I’m craving a boyfriend it’s usually because I’m focused on something that has to do with men or relationships so in those times I just realign Andry shift my focus to like what does God want me to focus on right now how can i fulfill my purpose alone right now how can I be encouraging others just really intentionally shifting that focus to something completely different is very helpful for me another thing is just realized like these are just feelings that will come and go and I don’t need to act on them just observe them I think that’s a really powerful tool is just to observe your feelings and realize like you know this is how I feel right now that’s okay I’m gonna feel different tomorrow I’ll feel different the next day but eventually this craving is going to subside just like when it comes to like food or whatever like cravings common goes acknowledging the fact that they will pass is very helpful as well also start distracting yourself I take your whatever it is you’re craving about a relationship try to find that within your relationship with God and with yourself okay Nicole is asking about a one of her guy friends was saved shortly after she was and it has been strictly platonic but he has expressed that she has feelings for her and that he said God was God told him that he was going to marry her however she doesn’t feel the same way and she’s just like having a really hard time navigating this whole situation so I was in a relationship with where the guy I was dating I’m sorry at this game loud the guy was dating so I was in a situation where I was dating a guy who actually repeatedly told me that he was gonna marry me and um he really had me convinced for a while I really felt like he knew he specifically told me when I was 26 as when I was gonna want to marry him and it was a very I don’t think he intended to manipulate the situation but it was very much manipulation because I got to a point where I was like really God like I have to marry this person and it was literally only because he had spoken it over us so many times where I almost felt trapped and I’m just here to remind you if someone is telling you that you guys are gonna end up together are gonna get married that is human being telling you that and that is not God and that is what God told me because I was constantly worried about oh my gosh I have to marry this guy and then God was like yeah maybe he said that but I never told you that you were gonna marry him I never said you needed to be with him and God really bought brought me that peace and knowing like God will direct me and I don’t need to listen to this imperfect insecure human who is trying to maybe convince himself that this relationship is safe for him or whatever his reasons were that situation I would definitely say maybe to put that friendship on pause and if he still crosses those lines then I think just space would be best for both of you and I think that would be the best protection for both of your hearts never allow someone to brainwash you into thinking you need to marry them because that is crazy someone asked how I ever struggled with porn or masturbation don’t need to answer mr. personal girl nothing that’s your personal over here I actually have not struggled with that I did watch it a few times maybe like more than a few I would say when I was younger in middle school when I was trying to figure out exactly what sex was so I watched it then I don’t think it was very actively and I think I would masturbate around that age as well but I kind of just slowly drifted out of it I can’t remember the last time I masturbated like years and years but I do know that like some people really do struggle with that so I wish I could give you an advice I know if you pray God will bring you the solution that’s right for you but yeah that’s not something I have personally struggled with it’s part of you wish I had like sometimes I just wish I struggled with everything so I could like give better advice but I did do a video with my friend Cooper on masturbation and pornography that you can watch and he used to struggle with it so maybe that is insight that he could give you a little bit better than I can so I’ll leave that blue Arianna asked now that you look back at your old life apart from God do you remember any instances when he used people to speak into your life or lead you to him how did he pursue your heart so if you watched my testimony video there is definitely a lot of things within that but one thing I did leave out of my testimony video I don’t think intentionally but God definitely used people and one of them specifically was Cooper who was just talking about who I did that video with I had like a randomly thought about like I came across one of his friends post on Facebook and then I was like oh that reminds me of Cooper and then I like looked at his Instagram and he was posting all this stuff about Jesus and I was like what the heck is going on I wonder if I still have those messages but I reached out to him and I just asked him to kind of like tell me about God and he so happened to be in town the next week and we met up and he talked to me about God for like three hours and I know God really used him just a plant a really strong seed in me and then throughout the next six months God used so many other ways to water that seed but yeah Cooper was dabbling like a planter of seeds in my life I’m trying to think if I think he deleted his Instagram so I don’t think I’ll be able to find the messages that I sent him but yep God definitely used people okay somebody asks about she keeps going back to her ex’s 4/6 she’s single right now and wants to stay absent but she has all this temptation she says that they definitely screwed her over and she doesn’t know really how to stop going back to them so if you’re going back to somebody who hurt you it’s usually something to do with like yourself worth and maybe doing that is bringing you some kind of validation of some sorts or like a false sense of peace so I would really well first I’ll do whatever you need to to do that so block numbers delete people block people in social media have an accountability buddy see you okay the lure like I was saying first thing first is put systems in place to keep you accountable to not do that the second thing would be to reflect Journal pray and really try to get to the root cause of why you feel the need to go back to men for that I’m sure that like if you could there’s so many different way like the landmark personal development course that I did it was very helpful for me in healing from past relationships but you really need to dig in deep and figure out why you are so addicted to that feeling and I think if you can get to the bottom of that and just pray about it God will reveal it so definitely look into that because if you can pinpoint why you do something and deal with that hurt and pain it will change your actions around that area completely Kirstie I believe is how you say it asked how do you stay friends after a relationship and how do you navigate breakups how much to talk to them and when to see them again so me personally I believe that you shouldn’t be friends after a breakup I don’t think it’s necessary at all which is kind of hypocritical for me to say because I just facetimes my ex-boyfriend like a few weeks ago so I think there has to be a solid few months at least everybody’s different but I think there definitely needs to be a complete separation of some sort for I would say at least three months but like I said everybody’s different like there have been men that I needed to not talk to you for years before I could even consider them a friend but I just like why do you need to be friends with your ex I really don’t understand why people think they need to be friends with their exes I think it’s just bogus you have to figure out a way to navigate it you probably shouldn’t be friends with them because friendship should be easy friendships shouldn’t be really complicated so if you’re having challenges with that that is a clear indicator that you shouldn’t maybe be friends with them right now and I’m not saying forever like I said I’ve talked to my ex recently and I support him from afar but I’m not like texting him every day I’m not meeting up with him like there’s definitely still boundaries in place so yeah take your space block each other’s numbers I love blocking people’s numbers especially after breakups like just do it this is a good question Ariana asked before I was Christian what were my convictions about sex before marriage do you have any at what point in your walk with God did that change before I was Christian I always had like a desire to wait for someone special to lose my virginity and to wait till I was like in love and trusted someone I would only really sleep with my long-term boyfriends for the most part so that was definitely not a conviction I had before I was Christian I didn’t even know anybody who was waiting till marriage I had like some conviction of I don’t want to sleep around with everybody like I still held sex to a higher standard than that or higher value than that but I was still having sex without any issues and I definitely would say I was embracing my sexuality whatever that means I guess that’s how society would label it right now now I view embracing my sexuality as waiting because I think that’s a amazing way to embrace my sexuality is restoring its value but anyway what point in my walk to God changed that I would say it started within the first six months or so and I went to coffee with somebody from church and this is another person who definitely got used in my walk and I went to coffee with this guy from church and he explained to me that he was for marriage and how special that’s going to be for him and yeah he just really shared his heart about it and he encouraged me and sent me some videos that I should watch which I’ve recommended over and over again is the new rules for love sex and dating I’ll have it linked below so I watched that series after he recommended to me and completely changed my view on sex it got the wheels rolling in my head and I would say after I started watching those videos that’s when everything started clicking and my convictions about waiting till marriage just started to like flood in Kate wants to know my advice for young single Christians I would like to do a whole video about that just like general tips but a few off the top of my head is learned to date yourself find fulfillment where you’re at I don’t know just a really embrace being single because you’re not gonna like like you’re gonna spend the rest of your life with somebody which may sound like fun but honestly like this is only time you can be completely selfish with your decisions and not take someone else’s feelings into consideration so just like be free and enjoy it like enjoy this season where you’re developing with God and I think another thing would be focus on is to become what you’re looking for see oh hey guys everybody calm down this is my dog Ashville oh you’re so chill you just got a haircut okay I have to go to work so I don’t know if I answered enough questions we will see maybe I will continue filming this okay it’s the next day so anything looks different that’s a while that I’m wearing the same thing tried to do the same makeup now I’m just giving away all my secrets so now it doesn’t even matter okay so the question was how do you prepare for a relationship in singleness sorry I don’t know that one me either girl me either I mean this would be a great question to ask someone who’s married or someone who’s in a relationship but since I’m single what I’m doing to prepare is learning how to be a servant learning how to love others without expectation learning how to be selfless becoming more aware of my needs my emotions building patience love just really trying to build those Jesus qualities within myself as for some deal-breakers I feel like the biggest deal-breaker is just someone who’s a non-believer who doesn’t have the same values as me someone who doesn’t have self-confidence I think is a deal-breaker cuz I never want to provide someone with that I think that’s something we all need to have on our own okay Bethenny asks what are some things that you personally do to change your heart posture to seek God rather than attention from a guy that is such a good question and it varies but I find that if I am seeking attention from a guy well usually God just like God is funny he does stuff to kind of like slap me on or on the wrist for sure but something else I would recommend is what exactly are you doing to seek that attention like are you posting something on social media for that attention are you showing up where he’s at are you dressing a particular way to look better in front of him and I would just become conscious of the changes that you’re making and then make an effort to not do those things so if I know I’m in intentionally posting something for guys attention or for a guy to see I will block not necessarily blocking but I’ll like mute him on its gram or I’ll be like I’ll just stop and check myself like what is your intention for doing this but yeah muting someone Instagram if you’re constantly checking their stuff is awesome so that’s something I’ve had to do in the past and also yeah just asking yourself the question what is the purpose behind me doing this is it because I genuinely just want to do this or am i doing this or some kind of exterior attention exterior motive Emilia I think is it asks how do you deal with loneliness any tips and tricks especially when you are already feeling low do you have any tips towards reducing lusting over guys and getting obsessive about this specific guys ok lots of questions here dealing with loneliness figure out exactly why you’re feeling lonely do you just need to be in social settings as in like you just need to be in a coffee shop around a lot of people do you need more quality time do you need to be spending time with your friends and family do you need more prayer or time with God there’s so many reasons why we can feel lonely and I think you can find all that fulfillment within friends God and yourself without having to like go to a man for that so yes I think just I all my answers come back to being self-aware and really pinpointing why you’re feeling this way because I don’t really believe in the method of distract like distracting yourself and like putting a bandaid on it I believe in going straight to the source and figuring out why exactly you feel that way cuz I could sit here and like oh yeah go to the mall like take yourself shopping hang out with your friends but at the end of the day that’s not really healing whatever insecurity that’s going on you know or not insecurity but just like that void that’s really in your heart so I encourage you for all this deep watch some motivational videos watch sermons on lonely loneliness because I think the best way to deal with loneliness is to figure out why you feel lonely cuz that’s the only thing that’s gonna change it like permanently and like when you’re already feeling low I think definitely telling somebody about how you’re feeling is an important place to start I encourage you to look up your Enneagram type it’s just this like personality quiz but knowing my type has really helped me learn a lot more about how I function and what different things I need to do to function better and I think just having a bassist understanding of like Who I am and what I am it just helps me problem-solve through things a lot better so I would look up your Enneagram type and see if that brings you any answers because if you’re feeling low already there might be things in your personality that triggers that and you can easily navigate it once you more easily navigate it once you figure out kind of like the basis of your personality I guess okay the next one is any tips how to reduce lusting after guys and getting up successive so I am like so happy that I’ve passed this place and maybe he’ll go back but I haven’t lusted or obsessed over guys intensely as I used to like I would say six months ago it would be very intense and back then what I would do like there would be a couple days where I was just stuck in it and I would like want to talk to my friends about it but I found it was better to pray about it and then release it to God and then not talk about it anymore when I kept talking about a guy he was constantly in my head and I just kept obsessing over it more the more I like told my friends about it or talked about it so that’s something that I realize is if I’m feeling like lustful and obsessive then I just need to stop talking about it talk to it about God and then release it to him just trust that he’s gonna work everything out and I just don’t need to be constantly blabbering on about it like I was saying earlier muting them on social media so I’m not tempted to look like unfollowing them if I need to just kind of like out of sight out of mind there is times where I had to delete my Instagram app because it was like a trigger for that lust or obsession so sometimes just like deleting that for a day to take out that distraction yeah so there’s definitely a lot of things if you are really feeling in it and you know he’s gonna be at like a certain church service just go to a different one as much as you want to be at the same one as him just go to a different one create that separation until you feel like you’re have calmed down because it really is just like a spike in emotion and then I found like I would have the spike a very intense emotion I’m like what do I do with this and I would just obsess and less but then after a couple days it like completely just comes back down and you are like huh not really even interested in them anymore so just be aware that it could just be a spike in emotion and sometimes you just need to let it pass so unasked before I was a Christian what did you think about Christians did you know any and what were your impressions of them that’s a great question someone wanted me to respond doing video responding to like Christian taboos I don’t know if as Christian taboos but someone told me they weren’t allowed to watch Harry Potter growing up and I was like really what did I think about Christians I mean I grew up going to church so like the people at church I thought were nice I guess I just thought church was really boring in high school I don’t remember knowing any Christians I know anybody like if I can’t think at least anyone who shared about their faith or I didn’t know really anybody who’s waiting till marriage so I guess I didn’t really have an opinion because I didn’t know buddy who was Christian in high school or middle school I didn’t know anybody trying to think even in college I guess the first time I was like introduced to Christians were when I started watching Christian youtubers like just Conti and I was like wow she’s so nice and Kristen John’s I remember watching her videos and being like like this is she’s an extension of Jesus like she’s so sweet and just well I started to realize I admired people who are Christian because they had such genuine just sweet pureness to them and I think if anything that was kind of like this started like huh I really wish I could be that and I realized I can sir Jesus so someone requested that I do more videos on a connection between worthiness and boys amen I can definitely do that if you want to see that please give this video thumbs up or leave me a comment below Alyssa once said uh Alyssa wants to ask she did ask Alyssa asked have you had a hard time putting boys as an idol in your relationship putting your worth in them and not god yes I wouldn’t have realized that’s what it was because this was a few years ago and I wasn’t Christian at that time and I definitely got my worthiness from my boyfriend and he was cheating on me and talking to girls behind my back and therefore I will stayed in that relationship with a lot of low self-worth and self-esteem and I left that relationship with very low self-esteem and self-worth and it took me a long time to heal from that approximately three years to fully completely move on not from him but from the damage that was caused from that relationship that makes sense now that I’m Christian I haven’t really dated as a Christian besides my last boyfriend I guess which I wouldn’t have really gotten into that relationship if I was at this point now but I did and in that relationship it wasn’t an issue because I was just like God is so much better than you and that sounds bad but like it’s true God is so much better than all of us but any of us why would I want to put all my faith in this human that’s gonna let me down I think it’s amazing that people try to do their best that’s very important but I was just like listen I’m not gonna put my happiness or worth in somebody ever again cuz I saw where that got me before if you find yourself putting your worth and somebody else definitely that’s a good self-realization and I think almost that may be an indicator that you’re not ready to be in a relationship or there’s some things you need to work through before getting like seriously committed and that’s something you may have to do alone I find in most cases if you are struggling with self-worth it’s a very hard thing to figure out when you’re in a relationship because there’s always that crutch of someone there either to age you or disable you so I think self worthiness is something that is more effectively dealt with on your own okay guys those are all the questions for today’s video I think I have some more too so I can keep doing these series if you want I love talking about relationships if you guys can’t tell I’m singleness and breakups and everything in between us so I appreciate you guys watching please give this video a thumbs up subscribe to my channel it likes fruits 15,000 subscribers I’m only about 800 away so if you want to share this video or one of my favorite videos with a friend or a few friends that would really support me I love you guys so much I hope you ever be [Music]