Why Christian Women Need to Stop Over Spiritualizing Dating and Relationships

good morning good people I’m coming on real quick to do a video because I just mentioned this topic over inside my women’s group inside of godly girls and it’s a theme that is prevalent this week with clients so I want to address this because it’s kind of been on my heart now for a while but you know I don’t always say everything too quickly because my mouth can get me in trouble right and so so I’m coming on this morning real quick I haven’t been doing a lot of videos because I’ve just been so so busy and when I get busy I fall off on my social media and my videos because I just simply don’t have time but this week I want to in this video address something that’s kind of been on my mind for a while but also something that’s come up a lot with clients this week so for any clients that end up watching this video do understand I’m not talking about you specifically if I use something similar to your situation but in general it’s not just one person it’s a lot of women a lot of situations a lot of people everything and so I want to address it because I see it week after week month after month year after year that what I’m really doing in in my work with women is helping to set them free because I deal with a lot of women of faith a lot of Christian women and at the end of the day we we do something that that is very self defeating and very sabotaging in our dating and our relationships what do you mean Rebecca so there’s this whole movement good morning Jessica good morning good morning good morning there’s this movement that’s been going on now for several years that is brought in and ushered in you know a lot of profit off of women of faith a lot of you know people saying what they want to hear people using their own story to write books and do different things that then but it’s almost kind of like this is the blueprint for success for Christian and so you’ve got the weight and you’ve got Heather Lee Lindsey with the pinky promise and you’ve got you know Derek Jackson with his version of relationship relationship expert guru stuff and and you know if you find a real man a real man’s this a real man’s that if you know all this stuff and and so you’ve got pastors now in the singles conferences and you’ve got whole organizations created around becoming a wife and learning to be a wife and but if you notice the gap where there’s a huge gap in all of this is where are the men where are the men okay where are the men signing up for this stuff where are the men signing up to wait where are the men signing up to give a pinkie promise where are the men giving their true and honest input no it’s it’s for profit that’s what I want some people to understand some women to understand this morning this stuff is for profit and I said it earlier this week and one and inside my group I said and how much of this stuff is really getting results how many of you that have read the wait and attended all the conferences and got empowered and kumbaya and we got this and and let’s go on another retreat and let’s go on another conference and let’s buy another book and let’s do another workshop and let’s do all this stuff but how many of you are actually getting any results from that it’s like such a small small small percentage based on all this stuff that is literally using women of faith as a demographic to push their agenda too and push their business too even the pastor’s even the churches all of it I really want you to hear me and so at the end of the day we get the women get sucked in Oh where’s my Boaz I’m waiting on my Boaz and then that author comes out with another book and now you’re you’re you’re trying to do what they’re saying to do now but they’re just telling you you’re their newest thing right and then you you’ll jump over to someone else when somebody else refers you to someone else that says oh yeah he’s the bomb he’s great he’s really telling it and he throws a couple little curse words in his video and he’s keeping it real he’s keeping it real because this is what real men would do and if I see the books I see the videos I see everything and I’m sitting over here and I’m like but who’s getting married who’s in a relationship who’s happy right because in other words women are being conditioned and programmed and I did another post in micro I think I’ve been working up towards this video for a little while because I did another post and I said if I was a single woman I’m married but if I was a single woman I would be on information overload at this point I would just be ready to check it all I would just be ready to just be like I give up III don’t even because there’s so many different voices in different advice and different books and articles and opinions and one person says this and you notice that hardly any of it is for coming from married people I mean it’d be really really honest there’s hardly anybody talking about dating dating for single people of faith it’s all these single people trying to give advice on how to be in a relationship and then the married people don’t really relate well to dating because they’re married or they’ve been married so long that then their advice is all focused on waiting to be married so their advices on how to prepare for marriage but what about the in-between time what if why don’t you do while you’re waiting this has always been my question and my frustration with the whole weight movement right what do you do while you’re waiting because you can’t just be sitting on your account you can just be sitting around and one of the things I want to address in this video really quickly two things that just drive me nuts and are keeping women single women of faith you think because of the scripture that says he that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtaineth favor from the Lord listen in that scripture fine doesn’t mean he’s coming to find you and you can just be sitting down chillin you don’t have to be position you don’t need to be on a you know online datings not a guy well my god should not be on an online dating app but you’re on Facebook Facebook is one of the biggest dating connections in the world you’re on Instagram it’s no different it’s technology and so there’s all these different voices trying to tell Wayne about what to do what not to do and at the end of the day the biggest thing they don’t deal with that they should be dealing with is women’s healing and spiritual and emotional well-being honey God is the best matchmaker that ever existed and if you just keep trying to be empowered and feel better and feel good about where you’re at but you keep ignoring your pain your issues your bad attitude your controlling nature then you’re not going to be attracting love love because what is it it’s easier to try to make you feel good with some band-aids to say this do this and you’re gonna get married do this and you’re going because I listen I deal with it every day women call me Rebecca I just don’t want one a date and it has I’m listening to her and I’m discerning and my spirit is picking up on the pain and the the craziness and the stuff that she’s hiding and I’m saying Nabu I’m not gonna work with you just a date I’m not gonna work with you just to learn how to get out here and meet men and get more hurt more hurt because it’s going to be adding insult to injury because you’re sick you haven’t changed and you’re gonna be attracting the same old mess that you always have I’ve just now made you a beast at dating to reach more people to get to more men so I’ve now made the situation worse if I do that no but do you know how many people I work with that are not patient with that process oh no I don’t need to work on me I’m good no you’re not you’re not good and you keep reading all these books if you apply this process but the one thing you don’t do is get still and listen to God and be guided into what God is trying to do in your life because it’s all connect Daboo it’s all connected you can’t ignore the pain and the toxic relationships and the breakups and the divorce and the heartbreak and you can’t you can’t ignore the abuse from your childhood you can’t ignore the things that you internalize from all of the verbal abuse and emotional abuse and so you’ll turn around and you’ll say well no I’m fine and one of the things that’s one of the biggest frustrations for me is I feel people’s pain I’m so discerning and spiritual I feel your pain I’ll know your pain before you even want to admit it to me I bet at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if you’re still in denial if you don’t want to admit that you’ve got some issues and admit that you need to work on you honey you can be out here dating all you want but you want to keep attracting the wrong stuff so guess what Heather’s Lindsay’s story is not your story Rebecca Lynn Pope’s story is not your story Serena Jakes Sarah Jake’s but that’s not your story first of all you’re talking about women who are married to pastors I’ll raise my hand but yet you’ll hear women describe and talk about what it’s got to be what it can’t be and they’re over spiritualizing everything at the end of the day you’re a woman and your husband’s gonna be a man a woman and a man it don’t matter about his titles it doesn’t matter about what you guys do it’s a woman and a man and so but then you’re comparing yourself in your situation and your life but you’ll steadily be comparing what Heather Lindsay and Sarah Jake say but they’re married to pastors and but at the end of the penguin I turn around I ask you well do you want to be married to a pastor because what you’re describing in what he’s supposed to be and what he has to be is a pastor women are so they don’t get it if you’re talking about a man who’s waking up from the moment he wakes up in the morning and he’s praying until the Sun Goes Down and he’s quoting scriptures and he’s got such a heart for God and he’s on fire for God and he’s praying with you and he’s praying with other people and he’s got that fire for God in his heart he’s gonna be a minister a man that that is that on fire for God and is that anointed the way you’re describing how you want your man to be and the man is God has for you he’s a minister in some form of fashion he’s in ministry boo and so that you’re stepping back into hell I don’t want a pastor mm-hmm I don’t I can’t be with no no I’m not trying to be with a pastor but you know he has to have a heart for God he’s got to have a heart for God do you understand how conflicting that is you don’t you don’t understand that the average man is just living his life he’s gonna pray occasionally you know he’s gonna go to God occasionally he may get still you know in order to cultivate peace if he’s learned how to meditate but he’s living his life he’s about his money about his family he’s growing his business whatever it is he’s about his hobbies he’s trying to travel to the next destination just like you he’s just like you if you’re not a pastor or trying to be a pastor or being a minister then we’ll stop expecting men to be all up in the clouds honey so heaven bound that you’re no earthly good I mean that’s the real talk you can’t live in the clouds so I’m gonna give you some real examples here’s what I hear all the time God told me he’s my husband talking about a man I hear all the time God told me he’s my husband well if God ain’t told him did he’s your husband that ain’t your husband because last time I checked boo a man’s got to put a ring on your finger you can’t put a ring on his finger so what good is God telling you that’s your husband and he don’t know he had pursued you he has no interest in you that’s not he’s not your husband and I hear it over and over you’re cut up know what you’ve done is you have said you want him or you’re very very scary about your options and how many men so the first man you meet that seems to eligible saved her Christian man you’re like he’s easy he’s my husband and he’s got a never got in it so that all everything you do after that then sounds logical that you literally don’t see other people you start doing things he’s not even asking you to do because God told you he’s your husband Nabu if God ain’t told him because here’s where it’s over spiritual eyes at the end of day that’s a man men go after what they want if he really liked you like that he’s gonna come after you he’s gonna pursue you he’s gonna be calling you he’s gonna be texting you he’s gonna be trying to take you on dates but what women do is they’ll set their eyes on something they want Christian women they over spiritual eyes the whole process forget that you gotta be it’s gotta be mutual there’s gonna be men are just men my husband is an apostle but he’s just a man I didn’t marry apostle Carrie Pope I married Carrie why because Carrie and Rebecca met each other and were crazy about each other from the first date when we see each other again when we see each other again when we see each other again and that happened that process over and over and over again until 16 months after meeting we were married we struggled keeping our hands off of each other this is the stuff nobody wants to talk about we’re so caught up the wait don’t wait honey you’ll find yourself in a dead list sexless unsexy an intimate marriage if you think that while you’re dating that man is gonna be over here like Lord where far out there I must sister honey boo listen a man who wants to put a ring on your finger is gonna feel he’s gonna have the hardest time keeping his hands off you he’s gonna be absolutely crazy about you you gonna be feeling like dang how I used to say about Carrie how many hands do you got how do what six months before we got married I’m trying so hard to be strong I tell him he’s like he was like I just feel like we’re just friends you don’t even kiss me anymore because kissing turns into everything like where did our clothes go from one kiss fireworks where did our clothes go oh my god because we’re in love we’re crazy about each other chemistry off-the-charts everything that you’re truly wanting in a relationship and in your marriage it doesn’t happen just from the moment you say I do so unless you’re dating but miles is a real man I don’t know about all these people talking about they dated for three years and we’re abstinent what how old are you well I don’t know any of these people either a they’re lion or B somebody’s gay or C they just don’t like each other like that and they’re faking and fighting for the camera in the book something because human nature God made us as sexual beings we are naturally sexual and one of the things that just kills me about this Christian dating movement Christian waiting movement is that you’re repressing your sexuality I had a woman at the when I spoke last Sunday at her church she came up to me she said I cut off a man because he messages said he wanted me to come over to cuddle uh yeah boo if he really likes you it’s not like there’s I’m not gonna try you and it doesn’t even mean they’re not gonna marry you he just really likes you so yes he’s going to try to touch you yes he’s going to be trying to put value bood up and it still doesn’t even mean that they’re not gonna marry you but it’s up to you to hold those standards and it should be hard for you don’t repress your sexuality to the point that is non-existent because you’re not gonna have a happy marriage do you know how many people are in my husband’s counseling premarital counseling and marriage counseling who’s literally their sex lives are jacked up see people don’t talk about the end result of all of this sexual repression because people think I’m waiting to get married I’m waiting to get married but you can be so good at repressing your sexuality that you’ll get married and now you don’t know how to be sexual now you’re so uncomfortable with your own body and your own sexuality you can’t even be a good husband or be a good wife because you’re literally so caught up in not doing it it’s been off-limits for so long that you don’t even know how to enjoy it you don’t even know how to express and communicate to your husband what you like and what you don’t like you’re struggling boo you’re struggling because everything out here is conditioned you and programmed you to deny your own human desire your own natural God made you this way God made us sexual do you think it’s just oh oh when the moment you say I do now I become sexual that’s not how human behavior works so at the end of the day listen when you meet a man you’re gonna like him it’s basic you’re gonna like him he’s gonna like you well we have some things in common we enjoy doing some things together we look we laugh and have fun doing the silliest simplest things we have a great time Wow can I like I think I just see myself really enjoying being around you more oh we start dating a little more because we’re enjoying it so much oh man dang no one’s understood me the way she does no one has got me the way he does this is really going somewhere I’m really enjoying this but you’re enjoying the process it’s not even about just a rain and get married because you have made a new friend and you’re falling in love and now you’re growing together and you’re and it just naturally progresses right I’m not saying do that for years I’m just saying enjoy getting to know people enjoy the process of dating that’s the point of dating and you’re still abstinent while you’re doing that and when you meet someone it’s got the right one who this is when it challenges your abstinence because you’re gonna really really like them it’s easy to be absolutely when you don’t like nobody real talk it’s real easy you don’t even like anyone you’re saying I’m not saying oh man let me see you be absent when you really like someone which is why most Christian women don’t know how to date because you’re not spiritually mature enough you’re screaming abstinence and celibacy but you’re not even putting it to the test because you’re not even meeting anyone you’re on the bench you’re not even in the game so you don’t even date because you’re so and you’re oh is this a red flag is that if you do happen to meet someone you’re like oh no you know I don’t know what do you think and your overanalyze cuz you only met one person and you’re already like over analyzing it getting too deep with it’s so quick because psychologically there’s a subconscious belief there’s not enough men because you’re not dating you’re not on the dating site you’re not putting yourself in situations to be positioned to meet men so there’s the real true real life aspect of you don’t know how to date you don’t know how to truly be celibate or be abstinent if you’re really put to the test which is why dating makes you so nervous because you don’t know how to be mature in putting boundaries in place and adhering to it because what most Christians lack is true discipline we are we’re force-fed and babies that all this knowledge and stuff constantly but never learn how to walk out our own salvation our own Christian walk our own spirituality to develop relationship with God to be guided on our own to where God is speaking to you personally to guide you in your life so yes God that’s what God said to Heather Lindsay and they didn’t kiss leaving the first kiss until they got married that was her story that’s how God guided them what is God saying to you cuz you’re not Heather Lindsay you’re not Rebecca limpo you’re not Sarah Jake’s and last time I checked you need to be checking all this kind of information and advice you get from these single dudes looking so fine but perpetually single white and he’s got so much great advice for so long why hasn’t he married someone why hasn’t he put a ring on somebody’s finger but just steadily taking advice from the do peddling stuff just trying to sell you books and t-shirts in the latest fix because he’s funny and and you secretly looking at him like oh I wish I could have him I heard I don’t even watch people’s videos but this one little snippet of a video came up and he was talking about don’t worry about those men that you don’t want because they’re probably I can’t even say what he said never mind I can’t even go there because y’all have me like the first lady over here said the bad words I get in trouble all the time but I just like to keep it real cuz y’all sitting here following these fine dudes who been single for years and some of them are great some are my my friends Stefan I love Stefan that’s my friend but some of these dudes are giving you the most basic information you can go do a Google search read an article and come back on and do a video and if you throw enough little curse words in there with the stuff you’re saying and saying it was like girl you know and did a real man if you say all that along with the little few things you Google you sounding like you saying something but what was really being said always doing is backing you into a corner where don’t nobody wants you and then and you’re not dating anybody because these so-called news they they got you convinced are waiting on you or looking for you ain’t really looking for you boo they’re not and they’re not gonna come up in your house and find you I’m just saying stop over spiritualizing dating and relationships top over spirit so the whole thing that I came onto say today is all this stuff that’s got you positioned to be this wonderful woman waiting on marriage men aren’t doing that where are all these so-called men that waiting where are all these men that are so spiritual and so deep and they’re become they’re following their purpose you ever hear meant I’m not following their purpose think about it this whole purpose movement weight movement all this stuff do you ever hear men talking about I’m just waiting oh I’m talking with my purpose path you know your men and talking about that why cuz they’re just living their life whatever they’re interested in and I’m not saying they’re not spiritual they prayed but most men don’t go to church that’s why the churches are full of women I know there’s some churches with men people love to take everything I say and act like I’m saying everybody but mostly the churches are full of women not fully men men go to church because women who would make them when you marry them now you make him go to church because women make men great make them better where we trying to improve everything right that’s what we do so you’re always trying to make your family better your men better all that so many listening you’re like okay baby we need to go to church but he wasn’t going to church before he met you that’s why the churches are full of women full of women not men women are the Guru’s of self-help we are the the poster child for self development self-help what men do they’ll go by a book about business they’ll go by a book about money they’ll go by a book like wait it’s purpose related to my my endgame its purpose related to me making some money or launching this business okay I’ll buy that book but they’re not going to workshops they’re not going to conferences just sitting around talking about it they will have a private message with someone or they’ll hire a business coach they’ll they’ll do stuff on their own but they’re not coming in groups to a bunch of different stuff why because they’re not built like that they’re not we’re the ones eaten into drinking the kool-aid so in the meantime this so-called men that you’re waiting for preparing yourself for where are they that’s my question I’m just asking where are they for as many millions of women who are buying into all this stuff by in the books attending the conferences over spiritualize and everything I’m waiting on my bow ass how many bow houses are there and first of all you know I already did it I already talked about the less right but the other thing this is what prompted this video is I saw this me and this girl posted in my group and she said it’s just a little picture of this woman and a man pulling this woman up the stairs are holding her hand and is saying you know he’s gonna find you and he’s gonna lead you she was like where are we going he’s like legit I found you now I’m gonna lead you like it creates of this stuff create such false expectations because at the end of the day it’s like he’s got to find you now he’s got to lead you it’s like that’s not how relationships work it’s just like being best friends half the time you’re helping them to be better and half the time they’re helping you to be better and you’re making decisions together about how to live life and the best decisions to make as a unit it’s not like oh you’re just following a man and he’s this great leader and you follow the man you know that’s not how relationships work rights this stuff it’s from single people who single women who have drank the kool-aid have no clue of what real relationship real marriage and faithful save Christian marriage my Mary my husband and I are sexual we have sex often why because we’re attracted to each other we’re not sitting up in the cloud praying we first wake up in the morning god bless this marriage no we know we blessed we’re super I’m praying to be blessed wait wake up hey baby hey good morning maybe have sex maybe not care it gives me some coffee he goes in his office I go to mine we meet back up we talk about some new directions or some ideas we get back to you know we go back to work we can see each other later on that night we watch the movies we have some more sex and we go to bed I’m just saying that and we’re anointed and gifted but we are in love and that’s a normal healthy relationship we have sex we make money together we help people and we change lives we love our businesses and I think that our life is a really I think that my life with my husband is pretty much dreamlike for what a lot of people want we own several companies we make good money we are attracted to each other we’re in love we’re best friends I think like this is what a lot of people are working towards and I’m sitting here like but y’all don’t want to be real how you gonna have that if you don’t want to be real if you don’t want to be real if you don’t want to be sexy you don’t wanna be sexual listen if mr. Kerry Pope had never seen a first picture of me that was cute and sexy he would have we’d never be together if he wasn’t physically attracted to me none of this would be here right now anyway okay you don’t make me sweat and I got to get back to work I got clients I’m coming on thank you sir Rhonda I’m coming on because I guess this has been building up for a little while I love you guys I want you to be happy set yourself free say god this is what you do it’s for those of you’re safe happy this is what you do set yourself free God I know you have true love for me and I know that that true love will be everything I needed to be I take my hands off of it whatever he is that you have for me will be perfect for me I don’t have to strain or stress or worry or make the longest list imaginable because I’m missing out on that one little thing of Prayer that one little detail that I didn’t include instead with love I’m telling you take your hands off something back off if they your will be done God in my life I’m attracting love true love effort and all of that sums it up if you’re going to really love some body and have true love you’re gonna be attracted to him they’re gonna be compatible for you God knows what you need take your hands off of it real talk you don’t even need somebody as deep as you think you do that’s not even a match for you because he’s not gonna be swinging you from the chandeliers and flipping it up the way you need it to be done he come in there trying to pray and you me like dang I just wish he would just be more sexual so stop thinking and fronting and acting like what you think is supposed to be and get real don’t you don’t want to get married and just end up divorce because you’re not happy what’s the point get intentional about true love forget it’s not gonna be perfect but it will be perfect for you it doesn’t even matter what other people think it does not matter as long as you’re in love and the two of you are happy listen love waking up to Carrie I love that I get to be married to my best friend but it took me being honest about Who I am what kind of life do I want and opening myself up to manifest love not manifest six-two not manifest the money not manifest the car not manifest the details and all that prerequisite list stuff that you think it has to be manifest love all you’ve got to do is just whenever you picture who you’re gonna be with and the man you’re gonna be with just see yourself happy see yourself in love don’t make him a blur in your mind that’s what I began to do when I was single I just made him a blur made him a blur I didn’t know what he was gonna look like I didn’t know all those details but I knew God had it for me do you hear me God has it for you but you’ve got to stop overanalyzing and being so caught up and worrying and stressing and trying to make it happen and trying to not make it happen and try just let go God has it for you he really does so manifest the visualization is love see yourself happy see yourself smiling at someone see yourself holding someone’s hand see yourself fulfilled and that’s abundant life because you and that vision is big it’s all of it it’s not even just love love is just one element of abundant life anyway I got a that’s a whole nother video I got a go I love you guys I’m gonna put this on youtube I know I’m overdue to put up a YouTube video I love you guys y’all know I’m crazy though so I don’t even know why y’all you know I we need more real that’s all I’m saying love you guys talk to you soon