What’s Okay and Not Okay in the Christian Marriage Bed?

welcome to another episode of the marriage mentor podcast with Eric and Jolene angle where Eric and Jolene answered marriage questions for believers looking at the root of the problem instead of the symptoms always while applying God’s wisdom and word Christ centered marriage [Music] hi I’m Eric Engel here with my beautiful wife Jolene and for another episode actually we’re doing a videocast and a podcast and the same thing here so what’s our first question well this is the the marriage Mentor videocast and podcast I guess right sounds good to me okay so our first question is I am their Dylan I’m a Christian married to an unbeliever do I get defiled every time we have sex well so if you don’t know what the word defile means maybe you’re a new Christian and it’s an unusual word it’s certainly not a word that we go around in our culture today talking about so here’s the simple definition it means slowly Marcil dirty okay so the short answer to that question is no you are not defiled every time you have sex with an unbelieving husband and here’s why this is what the Bible has to say it’s Hebrews 13:4 marriage is to be held in honor among all and the marriage bed is to be undefiled for fornicators and adulterers God will judge so obviously there’s some conditions in there that God is placing in the marriage bed but just having sex with an unbeliever does not mean that you’re defiled okay and all and I know the answer boss you why why is it not defiled because once a believer once not a believer why is it not defiled because they’re one flesh well I’d sees them as one and the Bible and the Bible talks about being married to an unbeliever and not leaving and staying if they will stay married to you so obviously if God says stay then he’s saying that the marriage bed is okay right absolutely there’s no you’re not messing up your marriage by being married to an unbeliever but there are some definite don’ts when it comes to the marriage bed and I thought you know we should probably discuss those because I know anytime I answer questions on sex I get I don’t know some times I think people think that I’m some sex blogger and the floodgates open up with all these email letters back you know so so then here’s the do I know it’s not disclaimer but I was going to say based on this podcast this videocast do not write us right that’s as simple as we can make it because in regards to sex well in regards I’m you’re going to kind of cover all me we dig issues we get a lot of sex questions to begin with but we get a lot of weird stuff when we start talking about that and I don’t know why that is because sex is not weird is God ordained in marriage so I don’t know but so if you’re weird don’t contact us if you’re not weird you in contact with all day long that’s fine well in the words of my teenage sons and my husband the favorite key on my computer is what delete delete I delete a lot of emails because they they come in real trashy and yeah not I’m not a hundred percent sure why obviously the ministry that we have here that God has put in our heart is to Christian marriages and I get the fact that you might be new in Christ you have no idea what’s acceptable or unacceptable in the marriage bed that’s why I kind of felt like hey let’s just give a blanket overview so we could you know address all those Susan don’t okay soft emerge that is undefiled there is a way we can be followed absolutely there are ways there are definite ways according to scripture that it could be undefiled in one simple way which I was really shocked to come across this some stuff that I’ve read recently that’s come through my computer but obviously having another person other than your spouse in the marriage bed is a no that’s a no no don’t bring in a third person it doesn’t matter it does not matter what your husband says about well you’re not being a submissive wife if I can’t bring it well in person and we’ve gotten letters to gotten to that as well and you mentioned the husband because normally we don’t get the water saying freaky yeah we don’t get the wives wanting to have another person in the marriage spread it so is the man you know I guess it goes off half-cocked I mean there’s there’s some perversions there and he tries to justify his spin by saying oh well you need to respect me you need to submit to me and I’m thinking you need to shut up and go read your Bible because I won’t be doing any of that right because here’s the problem a lot of times Christian wives they say well my husband wants me do this with that I need to submit you submit to them to him or your husband as unto the Lord okay so you use the Bible as your filter as your guideline everything you do everything you do is in response your husband has to be funneled through what the Bible says great because again the saying that I say almost on every podcast episode is you’re God’s gal first and your husband second so you take your marching orders and your authority is from the Word of God and you live that way and as a result and pleasing God your husband should be pleased unless he goes off with his perversions and tries to get you to sin okay so let’s talk about you setting up bringing someone else honestly you don’t bring a physical person into your bed your bed your marriage thing okay but that also has to do with a digital person right or a virtual person which has to do with pornography or not I see a lot of times couples think well let’s watch some of that and and let’s get all revved up as just like no because you’re putting an image of someone else in your mind okay and the mate well men generally are drawn to that and I’m not here to say that there haven’t been women that haven’t gone down the porn path because they have but generally women move to the emotional side to the erotica side men are visual main and frankly any guy I don’t care who you are yeah you might dispute this but I don’t care any now yeah any guy wants to see a gal naked that’s how God made us okay we like naked women okay and if there’s a bunch of them you know it’s I mean it’s so easy just look at all these naked women and we’re to reserve that spot for our wife okay that’s right so okay so no real person in the marriage read no screen no heater porn no digital or digital or virtual or pictures or any of that sort of thing and for the woman no erotica because she gets suck off her feet and that those novels that she’s reading she might be saying well but I’m picturing my husband in that situation you know what you want picture your husband then just be with your husband and then you can picture take a mental picture there and without your love story together instead of on the on the pages because what happens for a woman is oh well that author is so gifted in how they wrote out that love scene and let’s try and reenact it but the reality is you’re real human being just like just like I’m a real wife that I’m not going to look like those women on the screen so no third person no digital person no erotica novel what else what else was the Bible say okay no force here’s a here’s letters that I get is it biblically okay for my husband to rape me no no he can’t he can’t rape you that’s not okay because that’s force there should be a mutual submission there of course and if you’re how do you say of course making people crazy but here’s the deal if you’re having a relationship with someone okay if you have a relationship then you aren’t forcing yourself upon them oh right you know she’s withholding sex for me that’s what he says okay so what’s he going to do is going to pin her down and force her yeah because every wife is going to want to go back into that directory should now based on your relationship I don’t know there’s every time that I could force you know why is that because I wouldn’t side of that well you wouldn’t do that to me for one because you know that it would break our our fellowship of course but the other side of it is is that I don’t know there’s a time you would ever say no to me even if you didn’t feel now like it no I mean you know if you’re sick or something okay but I’m not going to ask my fatties no I’m not going to act like that but but there’s a breakdown in the relationship so there’s more than just the forest I mean if there’s an ongoing with withholding effects there’s more issues there than just keep on sex there’s huge issues in the marriage if she’s just like I’m not interested and that’s when you go talk to a pastor or other married couples to help you get unstuck because a wife doesn’t withhold sex for no good reason there’s a lot of reasons but that’s not an Teresa all right so no other person no digital no pictures no that erotica no erotica no forcing no forcing oh well here’s something here’s some other areas you have anal sex now anal sex there’s nothing in the Bible that says do not have anal status well it’s not spelled out like that in the verse there’s no verse there’s no verse in such-and-such that says no anal sex it will say no sodomite it’s implying okay so sodomite is is referring to someone who commits sodomy okay and someone who commits sodomy is someone who has anal sex right it doesn’t it’s not it you could make the argument well that’s referencing homosexuality but it’s not their sodomite does not reference homosexuality it references sodomy right because right next to that word is homosexual you have sodomite sodomy and homosexual because God defines it outside of that and I know that there are couples that the both husband and wife will say it’s the best sex ever don’t email me okay I don’t care for the delete button will be right there because I don’t see the Bible supporting that viewpoint and it’s also very unhealthy look it’s it’s going in the outdoor right it’s a very unhealthy practice so God is a pretty smart god I don’t think he’s going to say yeah go harm yourself well here’s you know he ii do that here’s the deal anytime that God says don’t he’s always saying don’t hurt yourself this is for your good it’s not it’s not necessarily for God’s good it’s for our good because He loves us that’s why those guidelines okay so here’s the one last one where I’m going to make a biblical case for oral sex but there is a clause to it okay I got a couple others I’m gonna bring up to talk out here in Song of Solomon two three okay we have some scholars some people Bible scholars that will say the Bible references oral sex but the bible does not use the word oral look okay so Song of Solomon two three like an apple tree among the trees of the wood so is my beloved among the sons i sat down in his shade with great delight and his fruit was sweet to my taste implying oral sex there and also again song solomon for sixteen awake o north wind and come o south blow up my garden that’s that it spices me flow out let my beloved come to his garden and eat its pleasant fruit ok so again I see a case for all sex here here’s when there’s no case for it is when the other spouse says I’m not interested right well and here’s something else God was explicit about a lot of things okay when God is silent then you have to work out your own salvation with the Lord I mean Bible talks about working on our own salvation with fear and trembling so that would be one of those areas that you need to be okay with your partner with that your partner needs be okay with that and you need to be okay with the Lord if you feel convicted no I that’s not right and that’s your conviction that’s great but the Bible doesn’t make a case against that right right so if you have one spouse that like yeah I’m all oral sex and other ones like no then you always consider you know their their interest their needs and there’s plenty of other things that you could use a marriage bed you have the type of intimacy that with creep that God created for us okay Linda a couple more okay what about toys sex toys there’s nothing in the Bible that says yea or nay on that it’s silent I think it’s I don’t know I think it’s a gray area it might be a personal preference thing sure I’d rather be more connected to you than a toy right and that’s a great point because what’s the point of sex in the first place why did God design it right okay now obviously for pleasure but that’s that’s the only part of it the other part obviously is for procreation and for being connected becoming one flesh being connected I don’t think you’re in sin if you have toys personally and obviously once again you’d have to be an agreement with me or your police you know he brings in a toy and you’re like I’m not into toys then again you’re just like it’s a toy out of the bed if I did that you say I’m not into toys I’m just done to you right but those are things that you work out as a couple okay how about dress-up role-playing you didn’t I do not know if that doesn’t matter when we we do our stuff in front of the camera or off camera on video on audio I don’t do dress up because I want my husband to be connected to me not a french maid I wouldn’t that make sense right no it’s wrong okay so here’s said if the fantasy goes off to someone where it’s not me does that make sense well and here’s here’s the thing obviously there’s negligee you you want to be attractive to your partner okay so that makes sense I will look the back I think that lingerie brings an element of femininity and it brings out the sexuality of a wife so I say yes to lingerie because you know when a woman puts on lingerie she’s not thinking about being a mom well so here’s here’s the line presenting yourself to be attractive whatever that is okay it’s fine okay but when you go further and you’re going to say well I’m going to pretend to be someone else and I want to wear blonde wigs okay if I stop if I thought blonde and you was attractive that’s fine but it would in my mind w but if I’m going to go on my mind to making you someone else or you make me someone else you make me Fabio okay you know I might do okay yeah I remember father yeah okay anyway you know then then you’ve gone down the wrong path and that’s that’s using images right someone else you know emotional physical and spiritual intimacy between you husband and wife not husband and wife and this like third party Hollywood actor that you hope he dresses up ads or or bombshell though you hope I’d read like that so I hope those guidelines kind of straight thing else we must say thing I can’t imagine better okay so you mentioned and by the way if you’re nut don’t call us or emails but you know there are some practices that are violence based oh yeah yeah that is MN and and right okay out the bondage and all that stuff I definitely say that’s no now okay because that’s not what God created okay you’re getting into a perversion there and if you find yourself saying well I want to be whipped and I want to be spanked and I want to be choked and all that stuff you need to go back to the Lord and really examine your relationship there and ask him to help you with that because that’s that’s once again going in that’s going into a fantasy world well and I think if you just keep the picture of your marriage bed as a representation between the love of Christ that he has for the church and vice versa that should just paint a beautiful picture that you’re going to think oh yeah if I start bringing in all this other stuff you’re really convoluting a beautiful love story right that make sense it does all right well this or our thoughts on that so um so so marriage or sex with your unbelieving spouse is not undefiled now and then we got a list of every other other areas that our definite knows in Scripture there’s a case for oral sex but again if one partner is not interested and you respect that partner and obvious you know the Lord knows if you have that desire and she doesn’t or vice versa is normally the guy has the desire and the gals just like are you kidding me you know I don’t even know what to do with that so just pray don’t force her because she’s not no amount of force is going to draw her closer to you you know so God is a part of your marriage bed keep it holy and until next time we’re Eric and Jillian Engel