this is going to sound weird but i i’ve i’ve been writing marriage books and sex books for um for quite a few years my first book was out in 2003 i’ve been blogging i’ve been speaking but i never read a lot of christian books i really didn’t every now and then i would read something if i was asked to endorse um but i never actually read a lot because i have this paranoid fear of plagiarism and i don’t want to inadvertently plagiarize someone and so i just always wanted the thoughts to be my own so i just never read these books and then in january 2019 i was involved in this twitter conversation about love and respect because some woman commented that she really needed respect not just love and then i jumped in there too and i thought you know i’ve never actually read that book and i happen to have a migraine one day i didn’t want to blog i was just looking to goof off but i had the book in my cupboard so i pulled out love and respect and i’m in the myers-briggs personality thing i’m an n i’m like a really big picture person i’m not an s i’m not a detailed person so a normal human being when they read a book would start at the beginning i don’t do that so so i flipped through the book and found the chapter i was most interested in which was the sex chapter and i read the sex chapter and it was like an atomic bomb went off in my house because that changed everything for me reading that realizing that this is the best other than the five love languages this is the best-selling marriage book in the evangelical world and what it said about sex was this um if your husband is typical he has a need you don’t have okay so men need sex and women don’t um you have to give him sex no matter how you feel or he’s very likely to have an affair if he has an affair it’s your fault at least partly you need to understand how much he battles lust if you expect him to understand your body image issues and that was it there was nothing in there about sex being more than physical in fact he even said that the purpose of sex was physical release like was a man’s physical release there was nothing about it being a mutual knowing as the bible talked about in genesis 4 there was nothing about intimacy there was nothing about the fact that she could experience pleasure at all in fact one of the reasons that that he gave for women sex is why would you deprive him of something which takes so little time and makes him so happy and i just have a hard time believing that someone who is trying to sell women on how great sex is would say that it takes very little time considering that most women take a lot more time than men do if they’re gonna feel good so women’s experience was completely missing from the conversation and um as we go i started blogging about this i i took it further than just sex i i took a look at how he treated abuse um and then we sent it was so bad that we sent a report off to focus on the family of because i had i had hundreds in that one week i had hundreds of women sharing their stories with me of how they had been abused and how this book had enabled their abuse we wrote to focus on the family who promotes it they had been on the focus on the family show three times so i knew them and i thought they would listen they ignored us and so we decided if they can ignore several hundred women maybe they won’t be able to ignore 20 000 and that’s why we did the survey wow so yeah so this all starts with focus on the family then it’s a it’s a good chunk of the love and respect and focus on the family yeah that’s awesome yeah that’s really that’s really cool you mentioned abuse so you mentioned obviously that’s been like the crux of my show like it’s been just what you know what fuels abuse like what is it that’s causing abuse i think a lot of times those conversations they can go back to blaming a lot of things other than the abuser so we can get into you know there’s a long laundry list of things people like to point to and say well maybe this is why um but when i when i first got introduced to you a few months ago and like i’ve been kind of just you know like browsing here and there looking at this um i think a lot of what you you go over in a lot of the misconceptions that you discuss and we mentioned so many of them treating women like objects treating women like their property um when you have that mindset preached i think it i think it opens the door for a lot of abuse to be justified um and i think that there’s a lot of a lot of the abuse we’re seeing in churches which is a lot i mean we’re seeing even in the southern baptist convention right now you know we’re seeing a pretty heated conversation about abuse there um a lot of it goes back to the pulpit and again every abuser is responsible for themselves you can’t you can’t blame um they’ll be quicker than anybody to say well it was the preaching or it was the pornography or it was this the reality is a lot of people sit in these environments and don’t abuse so there’s there is some level to that you have to take personal responsibility but what factor do you think are um you know our views of sex and evangelical culture plays in abuse and like do you think that that’s a key factor in why we see so much abuse starting to come out to the surface right now i have several issues um one of course is just this idea that women exist to um prop up men and so then if if he feels like he’s being disrespected then she isn’t doing her part and that certainly results in abuse one of the things we looked at in our survey and in our book the great sex rescue uh was marital rape um when we looked at when we when we looked at all our books oh and by the way everyone listening we we created a 12-point rubric of healthy um sexuality healthy sexual teaching healthy messages with along with a scorecard so you could score between zero and four and we explained what a zero one a two a three and a four would look like and then we applied that to all of these books and if you want to see that rubric and that scorecard see how different books scored there’ll be a link that i will give you and you can share that with all your listeners and you can download that because it’s kind of interesting and it shows it shows you a few of the stats about the great sex rescue and then you can get the book to see more but um one of the one of the questions that we were looking at was do these do these books do our christian resources even cover the concept of consent the fact that she is allowed to say no and um as i said we looked at all of these best-selling marriage books but we did look at a secular book as our control book so and we applied our rubric to that and the secular book was john gottman’s it was the best-selling secular one john gottman seven principles for making marriage work on our rubric you could score up to 48 points john gottman scored 47. love and respect scored zero so our best-selling secular books scores 47 out of 48 are best-selling evangelical one score zero now there were good ones like gift of sex also scored 47 intimate intimate issues sacred marriage boundaries and marriage those all scored well but a lot of our christian resources scored really badly and none of them even the ones that scored well none of them except for the secular book mentioned consent none of them mentioned and some of them did give reasons why women might say no but most of them did not most of them use the do not deprive verses that you talked about to say that you are never allowed to say no and let me just give you one um one quick story from the act of marriage uh and i hadn’t remembered reading this i i must have read it before i was married but as i was reading the book again for this it’s like okay this makes so much sense why why i have such a residual hatred for this book but tim lahaye was telling the story of this woman who’s getting married this young woman who’s getting married and her aunt matilda comes to her and tells her that sex is terrible and tim lahaye says sometimes people will wreck sex for you because they’ll tell you sex is terrible and this is just such an awful thing to do to young people and he tells the story of aunt matilda how when aunt matilda married she married a farmer who was much older than her and he had to hold her down and rape her while she was kicking and screaming on their wedding night and this continued throughout their their married life that she never wanted sex and so he had to always hold her down while she was screaming and and so this is why she didn’t like sex and how awful is it that she told this girl that she didn’t like sex and then tim lahaye says this he talks about the husband as being clumsy and older but how sad is it that matilda and her equally unhappy husband have never been able to enjoy a good sex life so he says that the rapist is equally unhappy as his victim and he doesn’t see this as a problem and i read the fourth edition of the act of marriage i know that book was published in the 70s but the edition i read was published in the late 90s and nobody thought to take that anecdote out

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