Escaping My Abusive ‘Christian’ Marriage. Dr. Ramona’s Survival Story

i lived a dual life and often the abuser will present with a dual nature a dr jekyll and a mr hyde but in order to survive a situation like that the recipient of the abuse also develops in a sense a dual nature i refer to it as a pseudo self it’s a mask that we wear to present one way in public but a whole different way in private typically people will say why don’t you just leave yes statistics show that can be fatal absolutely it’s actually 75 percent more dangerous at the time of leaving than at any other time so if a person can prepare to leave by working hopefully with someone who’s trained in the area of domestic violence to set up a safety plan i always encourage that there’s not always time for that but a safety plan is a wise thing to to develop for yourself to have for yourself prior to leaving and you know the phrase the way you said it people asked the question why don’t you just leave yes and how the word just is often put before the word leave as if it’s something as if it’s no brain it’s complicated and it’s dangerous and people can be killed so abusers do not allow themselves to just be left because they’re forfeiting the power and control you learn so much the hard way yes abuse always escalates yes it does and only one percent change that’s absolutely true you were like so many women you think if i just try one more time yes you’ll change i i really very early on we got married when i was both of us were quite young and i had this belief unspoken but that i could love him into wellness and you know what you you can’t love people into wellness we can love them but not into wellness because they have to want it for themselves this may be a shocker this is the man who led you to christ out of a religious background yes he he was significant in your spiritual awakening yes and then nearly killed you he he was the first person to share christ with me he wasn’t ultimately the person who led me to the lord but he was the first one to introduce me about having a personal relationship with jesus and so i’ll be forever grateful to him for that and all three of our children know and love jesus but yeah that was a real mind bender was we dated approximately three years and then a little over three years into the marriage so six years into the relationship i had asked him a question about an electric bill that he said he was going to pay and didn’t pay and he got upset with me and picked me up and threw me against the headboard of our bed and it was just it was a mind bender i was like okay this is the person that says he loves me and that i’m important to him and that i matter but yet he just did something that i wouldn’t even expect a stranger to ever attempt to do you say our bodies demand we pay attention to stress and emotional pain shocking to read how your body said we got to make a change that’s right that’s right it wasn’t just the bruises that’s right that’s right about 10 years into the marriage i started developing joint pain and was later diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and i do believe that you know our body keeps score trauma gets stored in our brain but in our different body parts as well and pain demands to be heard and i believe that’s god wired us he created us that way because we’re supposed to pay attention to when we hurt but in an abusive situation when there’s confusion about you know what does god think about this and is it okay to leave a situation like that many people will stay and like myself i thought if i just pray harder believe more have more faith it’s gonna i’ll have the miracle and he’ll change an ulcer an autoimmune disease up so young well the lord did heal me but in my particular situation um you know i worked with the naturopath for two years straight and was able to tilt it back to the other side of hell thank god here’s here’s another shocker abuse is not a couple’s issue that’s right and a lot of people don’t understand that they think it’s it’s often misdiagnosed when people will go to a counselor that doesn’t have training on domestic violence or a well-meaning pastor that just doesn’t get it they will try to apply the same tools that you use with regular marital conflict and it’s not abuse is exclusively the responsibility of the abuser so in other words the recipient didn’t cause it can’t cure it can’t control it you can only leave it you can’t manage it and so few like you said one percent of abusers one to three i did find some research that three a whopping three percent but it’s not high you know because it takes a lot of deep deep soul-searching and again they don’t want to relinquish the the benefits of the power and control you write if there was an olympic event in marital loyalty perseverance and believing the best i was a gold medalist yes i i was along with millions of other women and men as well are affected by this out there you know i tried so hard i’d like to share one particular story i had read one morning how samuel anointed saul to be king and i thought maybe there’s something to this anointing with oil thing you know it’s in the bible it has to be important so moira one night i got up in the middle of the night while ben was still sleeping and i went to our kitchen pantry and i got down the olive oil and dipped my finger and i went back into our room and i put a little cross on ben’s shoulder and i prayed with all my might i was like god please please change this situation change him stop what’s happening in our home what i didn’t realize then is that god intended to change me you went through periods of wanting to end your life anger resentment toward god who didn’t seem to be doing anything all these years but you clung to a scripture and i want to put it on the screen for that woman out there right now who’s living without hope and maybe in denial right do you want to read it sure he reached down from heaven and rescued me he drew me out of deep waters he rescued me from my powerful enemies from those who hated me and were too strong for me they attacked me at a moment when i was in distress but the lord supported me he led me to a place of safety he rescued me because he delights in me the lord rewarded me for doing right he restored me because of my innocence i have that for you i think there’s a place in your office for thank you you’re gonna have me start to cry find the truth he rescued me because he delighted in me god you felt jesus held you through yes he did i would ask him to come sit on the edge of my bed and i told the lord one day i said jesus i have to expect to see you sitting here one of these nights you know and i would just i would lay my hand out on the top of my sheets and i would just say lord hold my hand get me through this hold my children and he did he did god sees us there’s so much so much that’s important to understand you say you can’t heal what you won’t feel that’s right you have to face feel and deal with reality that’s right and you can’t feel what you won’t talk about and that’s your number one point you need to tell your story that’s right that’s right and often it’s starting with ourselves admitting to ourselves and calling it what it is it’s abuse it has a name and there’s something very powerful about giving something the correct name because we respond differently when we call by what it really is step one tell your story is it time to tell your story you can do that right now our prayer partners are waiting for your call we’re believing for a new beginning for you [Music]