sex definitely has a fun side but in all seriousness it has a working at it side too today we’re going to cover the working side of sex which is the prep for the fun side which we’ll cover next week in part two so we’re gonna cover 10 ways to make sex great these tips come from the pioneers of Christian sex therapy and they have helped countless couples so if you’re interested in improving your relationship with your spouse stick around hey online family if you’re new here we talk about all things Faith Hope and intimacy I’m Amanda I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and also certified Christian sex therapist and I’m pastor Andrew today we’re gonna be covering material from the married guides guide to great sex this is awesome this is by dr. Clifford and joy spinner they are my absolute favorite I will put them down below in the comments if you want to get this book you can check it out number one think you think about things all day long do you think about work you think about kids you think about dreams and aspirations why would you not do the same thing for your marriage bed think about it are there issues developing and there tension that’s there are there things that are going really really well that you’d like to do more of simply taking the time to think can do wonders in fact by watching this video you’re already on your way number two you plan planning follows thinking so you want to actually set goals together as a couple and talk about your dreams your aspirations and plan together so in these goals you really want to make sure they’re not individualized goals that would perhaps put demand or pressure on your spouse but that you’re working together you both like the goals and want to achieve them another important note is that you set goals that are not on involuntary responses but more on behaviors so for example set a goal that you want to spend more time pleasuring each other but not necessarily to set a goal that you want to have an orgasm and kind of putting more demand and pressure on your body which in the end won’t actually help you at all so focus on those behaviors and again do it together as a couple number three schedule so this is something we have covered in some of our previous video specifically this one if you didn’t see it and you want to check it out so for a lot of couples they feel like scheduling is really born and uncomfortable but actually when you think about it you’ve scheduled dating and that wasn’t something that ruined your relationship if anything you look forward to it so there are some couples who your times together are great you have no need to schedule and you have everything you want and that is wonderful there is no need to schedule if that’s you but for the majority of people scheduling is extremely helpful and really helps build anticipation it builds this excitement to be together so one thing that’s important to note is to make sure that you don’t schedule really arousal and release that that’s not specifically that way it doesn’t become a demand but more that you have set aside some time that you’re gonna focus on your spouse and usually intentional time together will lead to that but again without the demand and pressure it can be great to have a consistent day of the week or perhaps more depending on what you like another way is that you can just get together weekly and just look at your schedule put it in another thing it’s really important is to make sure if you need to cancel for any reason that you reschedule quickly number four shop it can be a lot of fun to shop for each other you can buy new bed sheets you’re buying candles massage oils things like that and if you’re comfortable even picking out lingerie the most important thing though is that you can’t buy things that would create on the other person for example if you’ve bought your spouse three books on sex and they haven’t read any of them buying them a fourth one is not gonna help at all but seriously make it fun make sure that both of you are interested and willing and not pressured number five talk so talking is extremely important especially to the ladies sex is not a bodily experience it’s outside of connection and talking so some of you may like to talk during sex I mean you don’t like talk during sex that’s fine whatever makes you comfortable but in general you do need to talk about sex with your spouse I know for a lot of you talking about sex is extremely uncomfortable and well understandably so I actually when I first started my specialty Christian sex therapy it was quite embarrassing actually I felt like God wanted to embarrass me that he liked that and sharing with my friends and family this specialty that I was gonna do but and ultimately understanding that God wanted me to help the whole person and not just part of the person it made things different for me talking about sex is important for you maybe talking about sex is uncomfortable for you because your family never talked about it or if they did it was sinful or dirty perhaps you just don’t know what worse to use and maybe you think that sex should just be good without talking about it at all yeah so some ways that you can actually make it become a little bit more comfortable is read a book like well like the pinners this will allow you to get comfortable with the terminology and if you read it out loud together it’s gonna help initiate more conversations about sex and ultimately just make you more comfortable definitely some balla trees that can be helpful as well is don’t criticize or analyze in the bedroom during your intimate times do that do that over coffee do that elsewhere doing it somewhere where it’s not such an a personal attack above safe conversation yeah so another thing is you don’t want to bring up past relationships you don’t want to criticize things that can’t be changed ultimately you just really want to respect each other in your conversations number six learn learning is something that you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life learning about your body you’re learning about your spouse’s body lights dislikes all those things it’s important to remember a woman’s body is always changing as well her desires make yourself a lifelong learner of your spouse number seven practice naturally practice comes after learning take time to practice whatever specific area that you and your spouse need to work on for example if you need to work on your kissing take time to listen to your spouse and follow their direction about what they like and they don’t like and make sure get plenty of practice number eight take responsibility so sex works best if you both take responsibility so in this you want to be able to speak up for what you like and dislike when you’re being intimate together if you’re able to do this this truly allows you both to be completely free to explore each other and to be completely yourselves this allows you to know that if your spouse if you do anything that makes your spouse uncomfortable they’re gonna speak up and take ownership for themselves and they will let you know I don’t like that or I do like this just being able to communicate the things that you like it is a vulnerable place but when you’re able to be that vulnerable you can truly connect to the intimate to assume that your spouse knows everything that you want and are feeling all the time is much trickier makes it much more difficult than it should be number nine negotiate you can negotiate differences about sex just like you can every other area of your life great sex involves both person’s needs and desires not just dictated by the one where possible compromise is wise however sometimes compromise just isn’t possible for example if one person wants to try something in the bedroom and the other person is unwilling then be respectful accept that sometimes you’re just not going to get your way in the negotiation process you want to always go with the conservative spouse this way no one is violate interest so it’s very helpful that you both discuss some common differences and things that you can negotiate on and begin accepting those differences as well so there’s a great list a checklist actually in the pinners book so I stand below in the comments if you’re interested some samples are so I like short kisses I like long kisses I like to initiate my spouse to initiate I like creativity I like predictability so the list goes on and on number 10 expect change so we’ve all heard that great quote the only constant in life is wealth change so expect to learn and grow in sexual experience and understanding and to truly not really actually reach a place of perfection we want to strive to grow and know our spouses more and more and more and that growing and that change can not keep the passion alive come back next week for part 2 and this will be the lighter side of sex so this will be 10 ways to have fun sex while you wait for that video you can also check out down link below is our four-part video series the lovemaking cycle if you liked this video give us a thumbs up and leave a comment below and as always subscribe for more weekly influential encouragement and inspiration see you next time [Music]

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